What happened to all the bloggers? You know the ones. The nerdy guys that wrote five paragraph essays on the respective merits of a Goodyear welt versus a Blake stitch. Look at all your favorite bloggers today. None of them post nearly as much as they used to, if they do at all. In the past two years it seems like the written word has been subsumed by the photo. Of a girl. With Photoshopped forlorn eyes. And a tank top that shows just the right amount of areola.
Sidenote: How do you guys pronounce JJJJound? I say it like you would GGGG-UNIT!
I remember way back in 2009 if a blogger got a factory tour? HOT DAMN, SON. That was like getting DJ Khaled to scream all over your debut track. Now? Traveling somewhere? On my own dime? Write something more than "robocopped," "dope," or an emoji? Fuck all that, here are the three keys to Tumblr success: 1. Tattoos. 2. Puppies. 3. Unattainable sideboob. Sprinkle in some random, middle school quality art, a trailer of any Wes Anderson movie and
GIF cinemagraph of a woman crying, and you’re set, homie. Next thing you know, girls who post 42 photos of themselves in workout clothes per month will start messaging you things like, “Where did you get that Supreme shirt? You think I could pull something like that off?” And of course, the logical response would be something like, “Where do you get a Supreme shirt? You get it at Pacific Sunwear, girl.” But you'll respond with "swag" and click the like button on every third dirty mirror photo they post despite the batshit insane amount of garbage strewn about the room in the background.
It’s not Tumblr’s fault it straight murked WordPress and Blogspot—Remember when you could get rich off a Blogspot? GOT RICH OFF A BLOGSPOT. It’s way easier to click reblog than right-click save. FUCK YOU I DON’T HAVE A MAC. It’s weird, you could write a ton on Tumblr if you wanted. But no one really does, do they? Do you guys think JJJJound is pissed at Tumblr? It’s like, "Hey man, you are awesome at creating a series of images that are not only evocative, but stylish and effortlessly cool. Wanna see what it looks like when a bunch of stupid kids do the same thing, but, like, roughly, a billion times shittier?" Sidenote: How do you guys pronounce JJJJound? I say it like you would "GGGG-UNIT!" I’m not sure if that’s even remotely right. It’s like this one time when I went to Pitti Uomo and joked so much on the plane that I was going to pronounce Loro Piana like "Laura Piano" just to be a dickhead, that I kept saying "Laura Piano" at the actual show like an actual dickhead.
I like stupid memes and people asking each other who makes the 'trillest' dad jeans.
I just miss the personality of blogs. I feel like a few years ago, people worked on things down to the typefaces on their sites. Now? It’s all about finding the perfect GIF to respond to some question about where to buy a jacket that looks like the Junya fishtail parka, but only costs thirteen dollars. The Tumblr dashboard is like a built in RSS reader, except instead of reading an honest review of a new collection or a think piece about how long some dude in Wyoming has gone without washing his jeans, I get thirty posts in a row of some 20-something’s ramblings about how amazing it would be to just unplug from it all, pasted underneath a stock photo of a wooden walkway jetting out into a serene lake with no sense of irony about posting on an entity that only exists by being "plugged in." Tumblr is kinda like that show Girls, but meaner and shallower. And more privileged.
But that doesn’t mean I hate you, Tumblr. Not at all. You’re like that pretty girl in that dumb class. I don’t want to like you, but I do. I like stupid memes and people asking each other who makes the "trillest" dad jeans. I love that someone on Tumblr sent me a link to the entire archive of Pen & Pixel album covers. It’s wonderful that white girls can take webcam videos of themselves lip synching to rap songs. Dudes can write horrible paeans to photos of attractive women and act as if that isn’t as objectifying as the other guy who gets boner jams to photos of girls with thigh tattoos and gold teeth. At the end of the day, Tumblr, I guess I just have to admit that I love you despite your bad taste, judgmental attitude and lack of social grace. Eventually you’ll meet my folks, I promise.