NYC’s “Most Exclusive Credit Card” Is Neither Exclusive Nor A Credit Card

No, this photo isn't a portrait of some weird, mega-wealthy family from Iowa that is secretly influencing American politics through Super PACs and campaign finance contributions. It's actually a photo of a bunch of super douches in their private Fortress of Doucheness. Why are they super douches, you ask? Because they were approved for a Magnises Card. Oh, what's a Magnises Card? Just the brainchild of Billy McFarland. Who is Billy McFarland? He's a college dropout who dreamed up an extremely exclusive member's only credit card.

I don't know why The NY Post makes such a big deal of the fact that McFarland is a college dropout. I mean, you don't have to go to college to come up with incredibly stupid ideas. They even do us the favor of listing off all of his other startups, one of which he started when he was just 13. COOL STORY, BRO. I HAD A STARTUP MOWING MY NEIGHBORS' LAWNS WHEN I WAS 13 TOO. I DID A SHITTY JOB AND THEY PAID ME 5 BUCKS. I think the key when mentioning a serial entrepreneur's past businesses is to say if they were successful or not, but, then again, I'm not a real reporter.

Anyways, back to the Magnises Card. What the fuck does "Magnises" even mean? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, OBVIOUSLY. That's pretty much a direct quote from McFarland, although he added, "Latin for absolutely nothing." And by that statement he does not mean that actual word "Magnises" is the Latin word for "nothingness." No, he means that the name is completely made up. But don't get it twisted, McFarland is quick to add, "…but it sounds grand, doesn't it?" NAH, IT STILL SOUNDS TOTALLY MADE UP, BRO.

The card itself is made from matte black stainless steel, which, okay, sure. But if you're trying to separate yourself from all the other exclusive black cards out there, shouldn't you maybe, like, oh, I don't know, make the it a different fucking color all together? Especially when your members say unreflective shit like, "I've seen people throw down [other] black cards before, and thought it was extremely douchy.” DAWG, THE POST HAD TO ADD "OTHER" BECAUSE YOU THROW DOWN A BLACK CARD TOO LOL.

Shout out to my new boo Gwen Tetirick who said she signed up for the Magnises Card because she "wanted someone to curate [her] life for [her].” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, GWEN? Last time I checked how a credit card actually works, you still have to, ya know, pick shit out to buy. All your card does is guarantee to the seller that you are good for the money.

Here's the real kicker though: THIS SHIT ISN'T EVEN A REAL CREDIT CARD. It's basically whatever shitty credit and/or debit card you already have, just re-skinned to look cooler more appropriate for fuccbois and girls. So, unless I am mistaken, YOU DON'T HAVE A CRAZY LIMIT UNLESS YOU ALREADY HAVE A CRAZY LIMIT.

Yeah, this super exclusive credit card that has a wait list of 500 people is basically the same thing as the stupid Discover card that your parents got you when you started college that was supposed to be used for buying textbooks and "emergencies only."

I love that Emir Bahadir, an adviser to Magnises, is quoted as saying they look for "smart people from great schools, so they have the family background and education." BRO, YOUR FOUNDER DROPPED OUT OF BUCKNELL. I went to a top 10 university and my family is full of degenerates and the only thing I know about art is chiaroscuro. Marinate on that for a second.

The best thing about this whole Magnises Card thirst bomb? Billy is from Short Hills, NJ, but excludes membership based on where the applicants live. SHORT HILLS, NEW JERSEY, DAWG? LOL THAT SHIT SOUNDS WORSE THAN DETROIT. How come assholes from Short Hills, NJ always make really exclusive clubs based in Manhattan? I'm starting to believe that New York is really just a bunch of people from New Jersey pretending to be cool. WHAT IS THIS? THE GREAT GATSBY WRIT LARGE?

  • will

    Short Hills is one of the nicest parts of Jersey, my man. Do you homework.

    • John

      Hahahaha. That’s like being the smartest kid on the short bus, homie.

      • kingleeroi

        you’d be surprised how many spots in jersey make you uncomfortable due to the area’s affluence

  • FuccboisinJersey

    Yes Moy, that’s correct.

  • joannanyc

    Short Hills is, like, the Darien of NJ. Or maybe the Greenwich.

    • lol

      So what you’re saying is, it’s a shit hole, because that’s what those places are

  • conhnore

    someone’s jealous

  • theinfluenza

    VIOLATED.

  • Patrick Bateman

    As a member that joined this place just to get my money’s worth (and much more) in free booze, I can attest that this club is nothing short of a rehab center for those suffering from DDS, Douchebag Denial Syndrome. At the end of the day, the fact that they have to continuously deny their douchebaggery while recognizing their competitors as douchebags pretty much means that they too…are douchebags. Fun, outgoing, kind, and genuine people don’t have to go to these lengths to convince others of their character. I’d be amazed if they weren’t hemorrhaging cash that their wealthy family and friends are most likely supplying and I can’t imagine this being a longterm viable business unless membership dues go way up. I could be wrong though, someone like Gwen Tetirick might be more suited to discuss the long term success of this place given her newly curated lifestyle. I love New York and I think this is such a great place to live with friends and start your career, but it is a god damn tragedy to see more douchebags like this painting an elitist image on this place. Quit acting like you’re changing the world for the better and get a really f’in job.

  • zaner

    that discover card line is verbatim from my real actual life, aw fuck

  • allan

    this is one of the most fun articles i have ever read.