20 Things To Do After You've Been Rejected By A Woman

Image via Complex Original

Make A Sandwich

Everybody knows that the best way to suppress your feelings and your blueballs is by eating a bunch of food at two in the morning. You whip out some rye, provolone and turkey…breast. Make sure you use a complimentary condom, I mean, condiment for your meat Be sure to really, um, lather it on. Sure, maybe it's a little messy, but you like that. You bite your lip, lean over to the sandwich and gently whisper, "I want you inside me."

Pour A Drink

Keeping your buzz up should help put you in a good mood. You pull out your little mixer set and get to work. Vodka, orange juice, cranberry, and a little bit of peach schnapps—BOOM—sex on the beach. You nervously look down at your pants. You know, on second thought, let’s pour that in the sink and try something else. You mix up another before you realize it’s a red headed slut. Shit. Then, a between the sheets. Fuck. A slippery nipple? Okay, maybe you should forget about the whole drink thing all together and try something else.

Take A Shower

Probably best to just clear your mind, clean yourself of this whole, terrible night. You take off your clothes and hop in. You wash your face, your forearms, your stomach, your junk, your legs, your back, your junk, your feet, your junk. Rub-a-dub-dub, three broads on my chub. Wait no. No, no, no. None of that.

How about you make the rest of your shower cold and quick? Get the fuck out of there before something pathetic happens, bro.

Play With Your Cat

You put your finger over her mouth. “Shhh, don’t talk. I just want you to lie there on your back while I make you purr. Yeah, you’re a good girl. That’s my pussy. I own that pussy.” Dammit, next.

Make A "To-Do" List

Get a head start on tomorrow’s tasks by making an itemized list for yourself:

1. Pick up dry-cleaning

2. Get cat food and milk at the grocery store

3. Mail letters

4. Take off pants

5. Get on hand and knees

6. Speak when spoken to

7. The girl in the apartment downstairs

Check E-Mail

Time to clean out that inbox! Let’s see what we’ve got here. Erectile Dysfunction ad? Go ahead and mark that one as "unread". For goofs, you know lol. Next, you see a memo from your boss, Karen: "IMPORTANT NOTICE FOR ALL EMPLOYEES." She’s playing it coy and you like that. "Whoever threw up in the men’s bathroom on Monday, please come forward. If no one does by tomorrow, then I will be forced to fine all of the men in our office." You heard her, she wants you to throw it in her in the men’s bathroom tomorrow because you’re a fine ass man. Oh, and on second though, you don’t need that pill ad. Now you’re all set on that front.

Do Laundry

Sometimes chores can be therapeutic, you know? You grab your laundry basket and gather up all of the clothes scattered across your room. That T-shirt on the floor, that pair of jeans on the chair...that sock on the doorknob. What? That’s weird. Don't forget to wash the pants you’re wearing. You unzip your fly. This was a huge mistake.

Make A Sundae

First, you need to start with a base. Pick you’re favorite flavor: chocolate, strawberry, maybe you'll even be a little daring and go with cookies and cream. Personally, I like vanilla. Don’t let the name fool you though, vanilla is actually quite tasty and flavorful and is great for...aaaand you’re naked and covered in whipped cream.

Listen To Music

Wow, that was a horrible idea considering every song ever made is about sex. That was an accident waiting to happen.

Take A Walk

Hey, why don’t you get outside and stretch your legs. A little fresh air will do you good. As soon as you walk out your door, you see a woman getting undressed through the window across the street. You walk to the end of your block and around the corner. You hear some sort of wailing. It’s two dogs getting intimate on the sidewalk. You scramble to get away from them and your walk quickens. You look up to the sky and see a full moon. But, the man in the moon is grinning at you and biting his tongue. And winking! It’s like some sort of Georges Melies fever dream! You book it back to your apartment and lock the door forever.

Take A Good Hard Look At Yourself In The Mirror

Do you like what you see? Is this where you wanted to be when you were this age? Alone in your apartment, drunk off your ass, getting turned on by sandwiches? You’re fucking pathetic. You can’t even face your own reflection. You don’t want to look, but you force yourself to and say to yourself, "You know, I’ve never noticed that you have such beautiful eyes."

Pray

You get down on your knees and beg whatever god you believe in to help you get through the night. "Please!" you proposition him (or her—whaaaat?). "I beg of you! Give me just an inch of relief on this terrible night!" Tears stream down your face as you say these very words.

And then he answers you. He says in a mighty voice, "I hear your prayers, my son. And they shall be answered. But first, have you seen the Kate Upton Cat Daddy video? Shit's so sick, dude. Titty city up in this bitch. Boobs for days, man."

Go To Bed

Get some rest, slugger. You’ve had a long day. Just crawl into bed and relax. Your eyes start to get heavy and you slip away. But wait, who’s hand is that? Someone’s hand is down you pants. "Did I bring a girl home after all!?" Nope, that's still your own hand.

Fuck It, Just Watch Porn

Alright, whatever. Let’s do this. See you tomorrow night.