What Your Tattoos Say About You

Image via Complex Original

You know people that modify their entire image so they can become professional celebrity impersonators in Las Vegas? This guy is very similar to them except his goal is to look like a guy that hangs out with a guy that one time hung out with Wiz Khalifa at a pool party.

If you get past the Chris Brown styled facial hair you'll see what I'm just guessing is Hebrew script? My Hebrew is not what is used to be, but I would guess it has to mean something very PROFOUND. Very. Then he got the tiger slash permanent collar and tie combo. It's pretty extreme to go that far to be permanently un-hireable. Not to piss on your dreams homie, but those monograms are not even to scale and they traditionally belong on the cuff or in your case...wrist?

Big tings gwan for Jah Elliott! Big tings! I've learned that there is a large body of our population that will walk into a tattoo shop and just say the following sentence: "I'm thinking like a big tree with, like, hella roots and leaves and shit." That sentence is the culmination of their entire life up until that moment. Their whole life made into one singular design idea. "Like a big ass tree and shit."

Why a tree? I don't know, bruh. Why are there Nickelback fans? Why is NASCAR so popular? Why don't we have universal health care in the U.S? No one has any answers for those questions and I have never had an answer for the "tree people" question. I just know every 15 seconds in some tattoo shop in some part of the world another Jah Elliott is explaining his "like a tree, but with like..." dream tattoo to some poor tattooist.

This one is actually very straight forward to figure out. This dude had one purpose. He wanted New York Fashion Week to be a 365 day type thing. He's playing it safe. He knows that leather kilts are gonna be hot this season and not so hot the next. He dabbles with drop crotch pants and modern luxury serp ware, but he sees the bigger picture. His little back of the neck pattern tattoo is going to accessorize with everything he will ever wear. Ever.

He most likely researched Diesel's uniform policy and read that small "tasteful" neck tattoos were acceptable for floor and assistant shift leader positions. That's fine with our boy because he's only doing that gig until his line of hand made leather murses takes off anyway.

Pfftttttttttt. Nice try Bryce. *claps slowly*

Dawg, who you trying to fool with your play it safe lookin' ass chest piece and everything and the kitchen sink full sleeve? I can tell by your whole vibe that your favorite color is beige just by looking at this shit.

Where shall we start? That chest piece might look "old timey" to you, but I've seen better flash on bedazzled screen print v-necks. The shit looks like it was shaded with a crayon that they give children at family friendly restaurants. These choices tell me you are clearly about that Maroon 5 life. You own several pairs of "ripped" jeans and sensible Chuck Taylors. When you aren't in your underwear pretending to be getting out of bed with perfect hair, you are probably folding all your heather super soft hoodies into neat, color coded piles.

There are way less permanent ways to accessorize your facial FYI. If you are that into "ornateness" I'm sure there is a Puerto Rican barbershop in a borough near you that can give you a neck/jaw shape up.

Your face isn't an Etch-A-Sketch board. This is real, actual life. You might have larger aspirations than looking off stoically to stage right while wearing matchey-matchey streetwear outfits. Maybe you don't feel that way now, but give it a minute. I'm pretty sure your tia is gonna be pissed about this shit. Ain't no way your church clothes are gonna be able to hide that nonsense. No chance.

Dude, there was a point in high school where I was recreationally doing shrooms and shit, but it was just a hobby. A HOBBY. What is your endgame, bruh? Have you reached it? Are you done? You look done to me. You nailed this whole "I want to be a high school art student's final project cross bred with a fuck boy" thing. Plus, you got sandals and a head band. 

Okay, I'm gonna level with you all. I hate this dude. Never met him, but I 100% hate him with all my heart. I'm not even going to attempt to guess what he was thinking making himself look like. This dude probably has a Tumblr called "Blowing Your High For Life" that he sends to unsuspecting people to ruin their day.

Again, I can only go off my experience from having worked at a tattoo shop, but for some reason "persons of whiteness" love to get Eastern based religious symbols all over their body. They love this shit. I can almost appreciate it. ALMOST. It's not my bag, but to each their own. I just think it's weird that in a multi-cultural metropolis that ONLY white people choose to get this stuff tattooed. It's sort of the tattoo equivalent of Japanese Rockabilly culture. Those dudes are more Rockabilly than actual Rockabillys. Except they are named Toshi or whatever.

These types of tattoos serve a valuable purpose though. If you are ever at a social gathering and you see someone with a bunch of this stuff you know instantly you should just continue walking right passed them and straight to the beer. If you avoid eye contact you'll probably escape their horrible and for sure anticlimactic story about backpacking in Thailand. "Real Thailand, bro, not that tourist bullshit." Crisis averted.

"Hi, I'll take an order of the 'what Megan Fox thinks is cool' to go, please."

To the layman these tattoos appear to be legit flash, but I can tell that this dude got this whole "traditional" ensemble over the course of about 6 months. The dead give away is his "diamond bird" chest thing. So...the bird's head is a diamond? Ain't nobody got time for that. You can get an eagle OR a diamond. You can't get both. There is no award for "most nonsensical flash idea" at the end of the year. And why does your neck have a mouth on it? Your neck is below your mouth. That's just redundant. And why does the mouth have an anchor in it? Are you doing this shit to fuck with us? Just go. Get out of here. Forever.

It's every girl's favorite, Mr. Tattooed And Mysterious. He's tough. He's emotional. He likes pain, but he feels pain too. He's the perfect guy...if you're a 14 year old girl that is currently grounded for taking pictures with alcohol in them and you're super pissed off at your step dad because you can't go out with your bff Lindsey tonight because of it.

This shit is like a full on youth sub-culture—the whole forlorn shirtless bad boy with feelings thing. The problem with it is that you have to be completely vain and have zero real friends to pull this off. This dude got these tattoos to basically show you that he also owns several totes bags and has not been in a real fight ever in his life. One time he get hella pissed because he couldn't find his favorite saggy beanie, but that is about as mad as he's ever been. If you listen to really bad music this might happen to you if you get tattoos. Your tastes will change, young blood. Trust.

You could have just saved everyone's time and just bought yourself a Famous Stars & Straps shirt, guy. Let me make this extremely clear for all you guys debating on a chest script tattoo, there is not a phrase or combination of words profound, clever, witty or deep enough that make it worth putting around your neck like some sort of slam poetry necklace. It doesn't matter if you quote Aristotle, Churchill, Jesus, Socrates, Hemmingway, Kafka, Malcolm X or Dane Cook. This is never a good look for you.

I'm not sure if anyone has gone on record and said this, but the chest script is this generation's tramp stamp. Quote me on that if you'd like. It is nothing more than a fancy lettered bumper sticker for your chest. It should be relegated for Clownzo The Bozo here and the rest of his kind. Not to mention that the chest script is usually a dead give away of the person's biggest insecurity.

"Death Before Dishonor" - That dude is probably, definitely a pussy.

"Never Not Hustlin" - That dude lives on a futon.

"Live and Let Die"-  That dude probably wants to stopped being asked why he wears non-prescription glasses.

Take the reverse sentiment of ANY phrase and you'll get your answer.

Oh cool, you have a gag tattoo. That's super, Elias. So besides masturbating in a bathtub with Bon Iver playing in the background what else do you like to do?

Not only are gag tattoos wild dumb, but they tend to never make sense. So, you have little spectacles on your wrist? Great. Did it occur to you that you might wanted to have put EYEBALLS in them so it made some fucking sense?

See, this is what I'm talmbout. Dudes are just lazy. At least the extremely played out "mustache on your finger" tattoo makes some literal sense. You put it under your nose and it looks like you have a mustache. In a perfect world every time one of these dudes tried to show a girl their clever tattoo a Good Samaritan would come by and smack the dude's drink out his hand all nonchalant and keep it moving. That would be a fair world to live in.

Oh no it won't, boo. No it won't. What is gonna tear apart is your 3.5 size typeface you chose for this skin fart. Anything that is really really small inevitably turns into blob. Small bird silhouettes, little tiny lettering, etc. will mush together over time. If you wanna play peak a boo with your tattoos you probably shouldn't be getting one. If it's that small just don't get it.

Slow the fuck down, Bobby Badass. Can someone else have a turn at getting a tattoo? I'm about to sound like a dad here, but that's fine. If it saves lives so be it.

Employers really don't like neck tattoos. They hate hand tattoos and they flat out will laugh at you if you show up with face tattoos. Oh, you're in a band so it doesn't matter? Great. Who directed your video? A Kickstarter that never made its donation goal? Yeah, thought so.

Here's the deal, gang: High visibility tattoos may be common place on social media and in rap videos, but they ain't no joke when you're trying to get a job that's not working at fixed gear bike shop or a vegan co-op. Tattooists worth a damn should shoot down any impulse to "go all in" so that you don't end up looking like you're fresh out the "tombs," son.

I generally use the "wedding photo" rule: Nothing showing that could be seen on your wedding day. Sounds corny? It is. Guess what though, my mom doesn't drink herself to sleep at night when I visit for Thanksgiving because I got "ALONE" and a fucking dreamcatcher on the side of my face for infinity.