What If Alexander Wang Was Named Creative Director Of Hostess?

Today everyone and their mother is talking about Alexander Wang's new position as Nicolas Ghesquière's successor at Balenciaga. It's received mixed reviews. Among the criticisms are that Wang's particular design style isn't congruent to the things that make Balenciaga appealing. Also, his lack of couture experience and the fact that his designs mostly rely on reinterpreting slouchy basics like T-shirts, hoodies and sweatpants. You know where his comfortable aesthetic would feel right at home? In the offices of ailing baked goods company Hostess, whose high-fat foods have regularly filled the rotund stomachs of many people who practically live in slouchy basics like T-shirts, hoodies and sweatpants.

If you think about it that way, Wang's revision of Hostess' products could be the much needed shot of modernity and relevance the brand needs. Here are 10 things we could see coming from such a major move:

10. Double Chocolate Twinkies

Wang's first move is to give Hostess' flagship product an all-black makeover, resulting in an overdyed chocolate bread filled with dark chocolate fudge filling. It's goth ninjalicious!

9. Rebranding "Empty Calories"

Complaints about the consumption of junk food would be rendered moot when Wang hereby declares that "empty calories" would now be called "negative space." Therefore, eating a sweet treat is merely utilizing negative space, and goes from an act of luxurious indulgence to an artistic existential statement.

8. Reinforced CupCakes

Hostess' signature CupCakes would have the eight trademark squiggles at the top of each cake reinforced at the top and around the cake, ensuring a more robust flavor and a stronger-knit cake.

7. Leather-Wrapped Ding Dongs

Ding Dongs, formerly encased in aluminum foil to ensure mess-less transportation, will now come wrapped in tanned horsehide leather, not only ensuring maximum protection, but infusing a more rugged flavor in each bite.

6. Twinkie The Kid

The Twinkies mascot gets a modern makeover—Wang style. His cowboy hat is replaced with a leather snapback, worn backwards. He trades his cowboy boots in for a pair of high-top black sneakers and his lasso becomes Alexander Wang's minimal bike lock.

5. Ho-Hos

Ho-Hos are deconstructed and put back together in reverse order. Wang names these new creations Oh-Ohs.

4. Wonder Bread

Wonder Bread's iconic polka dot bag is eschewed in favor of a stark, gunmetal gray tin box with a "W" shaped lock.

3. Logistical Improvements

Revolutionary labor practices ensure Wang can create twice as many pastries for half the price. Months later, it is revealed he simply used sweatshops, but replaced the sewing machines with E-Z Bake Ovens.

2. Pudding Pies

A collaboration with the A$AP Mob results in a custom line of Pudding Pies named after each member. Unsurprisingly, A$AP Yams' "Cozy Yam Custard" is the instant bestseller, followed closely by "A$AP Rocky Road."

1. Sno-Balls

Wang realizes no one fucking eats these coconut monstrosities and ceases production altogether, single-handedly saving the company.

  • Tjay

    “Goth ninjalicious!” Haha, nice.

  • http://www.disasterhomme.com Theophilus

    I’m just glad we can all agree on a consensus feeling of hatred for Sno-balls. Word to the Cozy Yam Custard joiints too.