The Four Pins Celebrity Sex Tape Style Guide

It was T.S. Eliot who said April is the cruelest month. Well, with all due respect to Mr. E, compared to this month, April is looking like a walk in the goddamn park.

Yes, October 2012 has left us with nothing but a string of awful occurrences—Frankenstorm and a new Taylor Swift album amongst them. But perhaps the most awful component of the October Cornucopia of Awfulness?

A Hulk Hogan sex tape.  I’d take April any day of the week over this shit.

Yes, Hulk Hogan, 59 year-old father of two, starred in his very own sex tape, leaked this month, as I’m sure the most perverse among you have been made aware. And because I’m the most perverse of the perverse, I watched it. The tape was pretty much the exact opposite of arousing, which is to say that it was gleefully nonchalant to the point that were it not for the grainy black and white footage of Hollywood Hogan’s shockingly two-toned body thrusting arrhythmically on a canopy bed, you might forget there was sex happening at all, much less sex between an '80s icon and his best friend’s wife.

But I’m not going to let this experience fall in line with the rest of October’s many disasters. I’m fed up with bad news. Instead, I’m going to share with you some potentially good things I’ve learned from this otherwise horrifying viral video (emphasis on the viral).

For example, I learned that after engaging in intimate acts, it’s a polite to let your partner know how much you enjoyed the experience by telling her, “You’re awesome.” If you’re as lucky as Hogan, she will agree and reply, “You’re awesome.”

I learned, during the breathtaking climax of the clip, what it would sound like if Cookie Monster were choked out by an angry Long Island housewife in labor.

I learned that steroid use maybe doesn’t have as much of an effect on the size of one’s manhood as we as a nation have been lead to believe.

I also learned that I’m totally comfortable publishing my assessment of Hulk Hogan’s penis for all the world to read.

But career suicide aside, none of these tidbits are really applicable to my day to day life. In order for this exercise in lemons and lemonade to actually work, I need to take away something real. And I think I may have found it.

There’s an oddly casual moment of post-coital chit-chat when Hulk Hogan ties on his signature bandana, thus answering the age old question of whether or not he keeps it on during lovemaking. In addition to serving as a master class in bandana tying, it’s also a subtle reminder about the importance of having a signature look. That is a lesson we can all take to heart.

And surely Hulk Hogan can’t be the only sex tape superstar to unknowingly impart such wisdom on us. Can we apply this search for sartorial inspiration to other celebrity sex tapes—arguably some of the worst moments of our culture ever captured on film? Can we take back the sex tape and turn all of the metaphorical October 2012’s into metaphorical Aprils?

Well, even if you’re shaking your head no, this is happening. THIS. IS. HAPPENING. So get out your night vision goggles and throw good taste to the wind: This is the (surprisingly safe for work) Four Pins Celebrity Sex Tape Style Guide.

Steve Dool is a writer based in New York City. Follow him on Twitter.