The 15 Corny Men's Fashion Stories You'll Read This Fall

Image via Complex Original

September’s mags are so fat with ads and as you flip through pages and pages you think, “Sure, I respect Prada and Versace, but where are the brands that I actually like to wear?” Well kid, BWGH and Kapital aren’t buying Conde Nast ads. They don’t need to because they are cool and expensive ads aren’t cool. But don’t worry, we’ll tell you about some awesome, under the radar, need-to-know brands if you will just flip through these first 100 pages of Guess and Express. It will totally be worth it. Wait, you already read about all the cool brands on the Internet? Well, we have an exclusive five-question interview with the designer!

Ever heard of Fair Isle? Yes? Let us educate you: It’s named after an isle. That’s short for island. And plaid? What’s with all those perpendicular lines? Don’t ask me, I failed geometry, but I do know there are a host of patterns that were totally not tight for summer, but are totally on trend this fall. I’ll even bet some emerging designer is putting a “modern spin” on some of them, blowing them up super big or, like, making them look digitized, referencing the binary nature of our electronic lives.

You have got to check out this year’s corduroy. It’s still, like, line-y, and still fun to run your fingers over and pretend you’re a DJ (I know, you already are a "DJ," I know). The fun doesn’t stop there. Let me tell you about tweed, bro. Go buy a tweed suit. You’ll look fucking great and British and even though it is fall, which is cold, you will sweat your ass off.

That’s right, they’re back. Last spring we told you about light layers and maybe you had a layer free July and August—one garment on top and one on bottom—but that shit ends now. Time to layer up for really real. Before you even read this go grab a tee, throw on an insulating base layer, fasten a few lazy buttons on your flannel, pull on a hoodie and top it with this season’s hottest casual blazer (all under a parka duh). This is of the utmost importance. In 100 years when some impeccably dressed paleontologist digs up your body, the sedimentary layers of your outfit will aid the progress of science. “Hmm, the way he paired a light cashmere knit with a waxed Barbour suggests the temperature may have been around 48 degrees. He must have died…in fall.”

Fall dressing isn’t as easy as layering fabrics and patterns though, kids. You’ve got accessorize. Remember socks? You didn’t wear them all summer, but now you have to (or be ostracized by your season-adhering peers.) Try some wool socks, man. They’re warm. Or scarves! We’ll get you to love the idea of a scarf so fucking much you buy eight. But we won’t mention how much of a fucking asshole you're gonna look like when the wind keeps blowing your intricately tied shawl out of place and you want to fix it, but don’t want to seem like you care how your nonchalantly tied shawl is billowing like the flag of a country where dudes care too much about what they wear.

We just told you about a bunch of wimpy shit like socks and patterns so we’ve got to remind you that, yes Bradley, you’re a man. You can feel manly. You should like football if you’re a man in America. Here’s this year’s hottest quarterback, who will inevitably not be that good, sweaty and shirtless in half-buttoned jeans. Don’t you feel so masculine? Oh, you’re feeling something else? That’s okay too, Bradley. Conflicting messages are what what makes fall great.

The ultimate layer, vests, get their own articles. Vests are like jackets, but with fewer sleeves. You’re probably thinking, “But how do I pull off a vest?” (God we hope you’re thinking that. Again. This year.) We’re not stupid enough to keep pushing that vest-over-suit rhetoric, so how can we reinvigorate the stagnant vest market this year? Uh, fuck, like, nothing under it? You know, shirtless? Just the vest? Vests with a hood? Vests with a hood! Throw one on Russell Wilson ASAP!

Very few readers are actually heading back to school, but let’s put some indie rapper or about-to-blow-up 28-but-looks-15-year-old actor in a bunch of corny outfits on some brick laden quad to convince you wearing a tie and an oxford and a sweater will get you laid at college. And, well, okay dressing like a prep school dickhead will actually get you laid in college because girls will be all, “Wow! A tie? He must be classy." At least be nice to those girls, okay? They have feelings too. That and too many trips to Planned Parenthood with take away from your sock budget.

We’re very reluctant to tell you about upkeep because it means you might not throw away your stuff and buy new stuff, but the market demands it. I mean, remember when we told you to buy all that waxed and leather heritage gear? Well, you can re-wax that shit, or, like, oil up your boots or something? It shouldn’t be in our best interest to tell you how to maintain your gear, but we’ll do it to seem authentic. You’ll read it, appreciate it and then, upon realizing how much work it is to take care of nice things, you’ll just end up throwing everything away and buy something new. Everybody wins!

Wearing canvas sneakers all summer has been great, right? Didn't you just love throwing them on without untying the laces and slipping them off at the beach? That's over. Mother Nature is about to piss all over your commute and you better have the shoes to deal with it. Luckily for us, you can't get a good pair of boots for less than $350, so that will be the main thesis for our "6 Boots You Need Right Now" feature. You really only need one pair of boots, but PSYCHE! We tricked you and now you can't decide whether to wear your brown leather Yuketens or your brown leather Vibergs or your brown leather Aldens. It's funny to watch you stress.

I don’t know who the asshole is that keeps trying to bring turtlenecks back since Timberlake ethered the garment’s credibility in 1998-2001, but every year we keep pushing it. Like the great Mitch Hedberg said, “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day.” But some dudes are into getting strangled. And if that’s your thing, by all means turtleneck the shit out of yourself.

The modern man has so much shit to carry! You’ve got your wallet, your travel wallet, your passport holder, a folio (whatever the fuck that is), a phone, headphones, an umbrella, gum, extra socks, your favorite dental dam, etc. Who cane ven keep track? Put that stuff in a bag, man! No, not some fancy man-purse. That would be super Euro-gay. We're talking something rugged. Like, leather with heavy zippers and hardware. Now you can use your free hand to flip off people yelling, “Nice bag, Euro-fag!”

A black leather jacket is the ultimate symbol for badassery because everybody knows nothing is cooler than a dead cow. You could spend a lot of energy convincing people you’re tough by getting in fights and pounding fifths of whiskey or you could just spend half a year's worth of disposable income on a dope leather jacket and inform everybody on-sight. “A motorcycle jacket is code for DNFW—do not fuck with,” says Uncle Jesse. We agree.

Wake up, bro, your fancy shoes aren’t built for inclement weather. “But you told me these shoes would last a lifetime!” Yeah, if you live in California and, like, drive a Segway every day. You need to beef those things up for the rainy season, brah. Would ya look at that, we’ve got a solution. Throw a crepe on it! It’s the cool thing to do. Green suede longwing? Throw a crepe on it! Brogue boot? Throw a crepe on it! Del Toro velvet slipper? Throw a motherfucking crepe on it! My editor suggested that we also including something about lug soles. I don’t know what that means, but if it means a page devoted to Lugz then I’m all in. You heard it here first.