WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court issued a gag order declaring that no one can ever talk about Supreme on the Internet ever again. A writ was delivered via various messenger services earlier today to the homes and "offices" of anyone and everyone who has ever looked at, commented on, written, or thought about, a blog post concerning the nearly 20-year old New York skate brand.
The court moved sua sponte to issue a summary judgment on the case following two particularly rousing amicus curae briefs by Glenn O'Brien, who waxed nostalgic about how the brand perfectly encapsulates downtown New York's "middle-finger-to-the-world" attitude in a stirring forty-five page essay, and Tyler, The Creator, who merely sent a postcard addressed to the court reading: "Man, these fags be fucking our shit up."
“I just don’t understand why people want to overthink it. It’s just a brand,” said Justice Antonin Scalia, shortly before nailing a tailslide on the court’s wooden podium—his fifth attempt—as the kingpin of his Tracker-manufactured trucks left their mark on the wooden lip.
“Me and Roberts used to kick it with A-ron ‘the downtown don’ back in the day,” Scalia continued, pulling an unfinished marijuana joint from the underside of his robe. “Shit was gritter in the ‘90s. New York wasn’t for pussies. Back then Ginsburg and Sotomayor used to steal 40s from a bodega on Delancey. The one time they got caught, Ruthie B straight broke a bottle in the dude’s face—we still laugh about it.”
“Just shut the fuck up about Supreme already,” said Chief Justice Roberts as he scrawled “JAKE WOOLF EATS DICK” on the wall of the Supreme Court Chambers bathroom. “Who the fuck cares about the greatest items? How are you even gonna judge that? And, yo, that's coming from a fucking Supreme Court justice, bro. The fact is that no matter how cool Supreme—or any brand for that matter—is, corny people are gonna fuck with it. That’s what happens when you just make good shit,” Roberts said.
“We just hope people will finally shut the fuck up and just let it be. I didn’t think it would have to come to this,” said the Chief Justice, before grabbing his own skateboard and joining Scalia in a hardcore sesh on the Supreme Court steps.
When asked if the court had more pressing objects on their plate, Justice Scalia popped an ollie and then stopped.
"What, like gay marriage? Come on, Frank Ocean is gay—and he's my favorite fucking singer. I fuck with Ellen DeGeneres too. She's funny as hell. What kind of dumbass wouldn't want them to get married?"
Scalia and Roberts then spent the rest of the afternoon trying to best each other in a game of S-K-A-T-E, with Chief Justice Roberts prevailing as he nailed a totally sick boardslide to pop shove-it off of the iconic "Contemplation of Justice" statue.