The Style On Court Is Frightful, But The Slander Is So Delightful

In case you are a huge nerd that doesn't like sports, let me bring to your attention the latest and greatest from the world of NBA uniform technology. Last season, Adidas—who pays $35 million a year to be the official uniform and apparel supplier to the National Basketball Association—outfitted the Golden State Warriors in sleeved jerseys for three games as a sort of guinea pig capsule experiment. Regardless of whatever PR wizardry was being slung at the time, the point of all this wasn't to make players "run faster and jump higher" on some PF Flyers level innovation type shit, but, naturally, a pure cash grab. You see, fans need to keep buying merch because capitalism is fucking awesome. And while traditional jersey sales stay skrong, more money is still, well, more money. In the words of Sal LaRocca, the NBA's executive vice president of global merchandising, "...we know that more men are comfortable wearing T-shirts than tank tops, so the idea that part of our consumer base would be interested in wearing a jersey with sleeves makes sense." Sal LaRocca, sadly, has obviously never been to the Jersey Shore.

Not surprisingly, the players weren't exactly stoked on the added fabric. Stephen Curry, arguably the league's best pure shooter and a guy who, like, uses his arms a lot, has gone on record saying that the sleeved jerseys, dubbed "The Swingman", are a pain in the ass to play in. I'd also like to imagine that no one is trying to get their Keith Van Horn on. When the league opened up the sleeved jersey options to teams this year, most declined. But you're fucking crazy if you think that the corporate fat cats at Big Sleeved Jersey will be denied the opportunity to pad their wallets and, presumably, their monocles. This Christmas Day NBA quintuple-header will feature exclusively Swingman jerseys on the hardwood which you can buy right now for $109.95!

I don't think I'm the only fan that would like to keep V-neck soccer jerseys out of Dr. James Naismith's beautiful game. And is it just me or do these grayscale logos look like the NBA ran out of toner the night before its book report was due? Since it is the holidays, I guess we should all try and find a silver lining in the interest of peace on the earth and goodwill towards all men regardless of how inherently lame being nice is. The style on court may be frightful, but the slander is so delightful.

  • cozyKev

    sartorial abortions

  • zane

    I was just running through some sart inc archives this morning and thought how much I (pause) missed LAS’ writing. Thanks man.

    • Lawrence

      Bless up.