Planet Hollywood Jacket Owner’s Guide: 2014 Edition

Congratulations! You are the new owner of a Planet Hollywood Jacket! Whether you bought the leather, varsity or denim style, you have made a choice that will impact the rest of your life—for the better, we hope! The Planet Hollywood family is honored to have you showcase our restaurant on your person. Just in case this is your first Planet Hollywood Jacket (we hope it is the first of many, should you decide that is the type of person you want to be), we have enclosed our owner's guide of DOs and DON'Ts. We know you may be thinking, "I bought this jacket out of my own volition. I can make decisions for myself. Why would I listen to you?" First off, calm down! Secondly, at almost $300, this is a big investment, so we want to make sure you get the most out of your jacket. We also want to make sure you avoid doing anything that may besmirch the Planet Hollywood name. Planet Hollywood has had a rough decade or so (but things are looking up), so we want to make sure that every necessary precaution is taken to ensure our degradation is not furthered. The jacket serves as an advertisement for our restaurant (of which there are FOUR nationwide), and, although we assume you'll do nothing that makes Planet Hollywood look bad, we need to make sure we are fully protecting ourselves because there are some bad apples out there (we assume you aren't one). So, give this a quick read (well, not too quick haha) before putting on your new jacket. Enjoy!

DON'T: Wear the jacket to Planet Hollywood

From a purely fashion standpoint, this is a bit gauche. You are already at Planet Hollywood, so there's really no need for you to wear it here. You aren't going to convince anyone to come to Planet Hollywood because they're already here! We've—no, they've—already won. Maybe wear a blazer or something a bit nicer. Not that Planet Hollywood isn't nice (we would never say that, obviously), but a leather/varsity/denim jacket isn't exactly proper dining wear. You know this. We won't turn you away, but, like, it'll seem like we did, if that makes sense. Now, to solve this problem, we are hard at work on a Planet Hollywood dinner jacket, but the technology is still a couple of years away. You probably won't be able to wear that at our restaurant either, but you might be.

DO: Wear a long-sleeved shirt under the jacket

The jacket has been known to have less than favorable reactions to those of us who have skin (which is all of us haha), so although you may want the leather/varsity/denim material pressing up against your longing skin, it is in your best interest to put on a thick long-sleeve shirt. We aren't saying you need to put on a full-on wool sweater or anything, but maybe something similar just in case. Also, when putting on the jacket, wear gloves to make sure the jacket does not come into contact with your bare hands. And it goes without saying, but you should not hug anyone or throw your jacket at them. Do not weaponize our jackets. Rashes and lesions are not uncommon for those who neglect to heed this advice.

DON'T: Wear the jacket to the Hard Rock Cafe

We used to encourage this out of friendly competition, but the folks at the Hard Rock Cafe did not feel the same cordial spirit. They'd regularly eject diners wearing the jacket and, in one case at a Jacksonville location, lock a jacket-wearer in the underground prison usually reserved for unruly diners. Yikes! Also don't eat there, they are our competitors after all.

DO: Not play sports in the jacket

Although you may associate Planet Hollywood with an active lifestyle (thanks to our many calorie-free options), you should avoid playing any sort of competitive or noncompetitive sport while wearing the jacket. The jacket was not designed to allow upward movement or downward movement, therefore prohibiting a person from participating in sports. You are totally able to move your upper body laterally while wearing the jacket, but what sport has this kind of motion? None to our knowledge, and we know a lot about sports. You are free to watch sports while wearing the jacket, just do not make any excessive movements. For example, maybe let someone else have control of the remote.

DON'T: Wear the jacket to funerals or important business meetings

At $300, the Planet Hollywood jacket has the price of traditional funeral/business ware. Unfortunately, due to the large emblazoning of "PLANET HOLLYWOOD" on the back and front, the jacket is a little more "pizzazz-y" than most jackets that cost $300. That's not to say that the words "PLANET HOLLYWOOD" on a jacket are in any way goofy, because they aren't, but there are almost certainly better things to wear to a funeral or an important business meeting. You may find that attentions shift from the corpse or the important business matter at hand to your jacket. And that's not good, is it? We've gotten enough letters from people who allegedly "ruined" various funerals and business meetings to know that this is the case. And we don't want to be known as the company that is associated with ruining funerals or business meetings.

DO: Wear pants with the jacket

The jacket does not cover your genitals, unless your genitals are located on your chest, which, in that case, maybe you are not the type of person we want repping the Planet Hollywood name to begin with. It's nothing against you personally, it's just that we would need to do a little more research and development into whether or not a chest-genitaled person would be good for our brand. All the data we currently have points to it being a good thing if people with properly-placed genitals wear our jackets. We'll get back to the chest-genitaled community as soon as we have conducted the research, which could be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. Sit tight, guys!

DON'T: Wear the jacket while committing a crime

Planet Hollywood does not support criminal activity of any kind (unless you count our delicious mozzarella sticks, which are so good they should be illegal haha), but if you do feel the impulse to commit a crime, please do not wear a Planet Hollywood jacket while doing so. This would be a nightmare for our business. The last thing we need is someone named "The Planet Hollywood Serial Killer" running around, soiling our reputation. Also, a plain jacket will help you be more incognito than you would be if you had the extremely identifiable "PLANET HOLLYWOOD" logo proudly displayed on your jacket. Please note that the last sentence is not us giving out advice on how to commit crimes, but rather just common sense. How many people do you see wearing Planet Hollywood jackets nowadays? In year 2014? Not to spit on our own business venture, but the Planet Hollywood jacket is not exactly selling like hotcakes (which FYI we do not feature on our menu). We know this. We aren't stupid. Would we like it to do better? Sure, of course. But sometimes you need to be realistic. It sucks, but that's life. So it goes. Keep on trucking. Anyway, you'd be immediately identified, unless someone else in your town had their own Planet Hollywood jacket, which, in that scenario, you'd still most likely be identified because the police only need to be on the lookout for two possible suspects.

DO: Drink 8 glasses of water before wearing the jacket

The Planet Hollywood jacket has been known to inexplicably dehydrate those who wear it. We are not sure why. We use the same materials as all other jackets and more testing is being done to hopefully solve this horrible mystery.

DON'T: Wear the jacket in water

It's bad for the material. Also, jacket users who have been exposed to something even as small as rain have complained of a "hissing" sound when water hits the jacket (kind of like the cartoonish sound of acid hitting any surface). We advice that users drink the mandatory 8 glasses BEFORE wearing the jacket, just in case water happens to dribble out of your mouth onto the jacket. Safety first!

DO: Have just, like, a good time while wearing the jacket

This doesn't even need an explanation or a qualifier. If you are the proud owner of a Planet Hollywood jacket you obviously already know how to have fun!

Brendan O'Hare is attempting to be a writer and comedian while living in NYC. Follow his comedy jokes on Twitter here.

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  • Austin James Robinson

    Great article – loved it. But under “DON’T: Wear the jacket while committing a crime,” you say “then” when you mean “than” in the 4th sentence. Just, like, looking out for you. Love you. Call me when you get this message. I miss my family.