Make Up Your Damn Mind, J. Crew

Damn, the house that Drexler and Lyons re-built and re-branded is wishy-washy as fuck. Though it should be said that I have no idea how private equity firms and IPOs and business shit works at all. Everything I learned about finance I learned from Vin Diesel in Boiler Room. Evidently, TPG Capital and Leonard Green & Partners—the firms that own J. Crew—are mulling over whether to take the company public or sell it to another investment firm. I don’t blame them. I mean, I’m assuming billionaires get into the business of buying giant corporations with the express goal of making money. And J. Crew is making a lot of money. Evidently, a lot of guys really want RRL chambray, but end up just buying one at the mall instead because J. Crew’s sales increase last quarter was $42.9 million, up 11.3% from last year. MICKEY AND JENNA ARE PROBABLY SWAN DIVING INTO THAT MADEWELL CASH ALA SCROOGE MCDUCK.

If all of this IPO, private equity firm talk sounds familiar, it’s because prior to the Leonard Green & Partners acquisition, J. Crew was, in fact, a publicly traded company. Why sell the company while it’s still making money? Because most private equity firms have a three to five year ownership horizon. I actually didn’t know that either, but that’s what WWD told me, so obviously it’s super accurate. Don’t worry, some asshole in college will correct everything for us in the comments. So, it kind of makes sense that TPG et. al are starting to look for an exit strategy. Maybe after they sell J. Crew they’ll buy, like, Build-A-Bear workshop.

I can also understand why the firm is hedging their bets on all this sales talk. Taking J.Crew public could be a risky move. If it does goes public, J.Crew and their Urban Slim Fit chinos will have to answer to a lot more irrational people. Personally, I hope it does go public, so I can buy a bunch of stock and then demand they bring back the Giant Fit at the next stockholder's meeting. THAT CUT WAS ILL AS FUCK IN CATHOLIC SCHOOL. Our trousers were literally giant, but because they were still technically trousers, they satisfied the uniform requirement. Loophole boys were definitely in the building.

At the end of the day, I don’t really care what J. Crew does as long as they make up their mind. NO ONE LIKES INDECISION. WHAT’S A FEW BILLION DOLLARS ANYWAY?

  • Bob

    I was rocking those ubiquitous giant fits with the deep pleats in Catholic h.s.