If You Wear A Hoodsie We Will Murder You

YO, I HATE YOU FOR MAKING ME WATCH THIS, UNNAMED EDITOR WHOSE INTEGRITY I AM FOOLISHLY PROTECTING. MY RODS AND CONES ARE SO FUCKING SAD RIGHT NOW.

Why do people think onesies for real, actual adults are a real, actual thing real, actual adults want to wear? SPOILER ALERT: NO ONE WILL THINK HOODSIES ARE FUNNY OR COOL. And if you do you probably think Ashton Kutcher is the most hilarious actor working today. Not since Ryan Gosling went on Ellen and blessed the whole audience with onesies has this ever been even a tiny bit OK.

I swear, if you show up anywhere in a goddamn lame gold hooded onesie I will fucking murder you. I won’t even make it a complicated murder like the ones on Investigation Discovery where it turns out, like, the online mistress was really a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman and the local sheriff was somehow a co-conspirator and shit. I WILL COP TO MURDERING YOU IN EXCHANGE FOR AGGRAVATED MANSLAUGHTER, MY GUY. SHIT WILL BE A FOOTNOTE ON THE ELEVEN O'CLOCK NEWS. Carmen Harlan will be like, "And, in other news, an asshole wearing stupid novelty pajamas in public was murdered. His body was found buried next to that douche who bought a Thuggie." AND NO ONE WILL EVEN BE THAT OUTRAGED. DO NOT EXPECT PUBLIC OUTCRY WHEN YOU DIE IN YOUR HOODSIE AND DEFINITELY DO NOT INSULT THE MIRACLE OF LIFE AND EXISTENCE BY WEARING A ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR CARROT TOP JOKE INTO MY BRUNCH SPOT.

I haven’t even mentioned the fucking rapping that goes on in the above video. SMFH @ WHITE PEOPLE. Actually, can I give you money to never do anything like this ever again for the rest of your life? I blame Macklemore for this shit (please retweet this post with the hashtag #BlameMacklemore). At least the chick in the video is super hot, so there's that.

  • datnigga

    HOODSIE R UNFUNNY JUST LIKE A JEW NOT LAUGHING AT A NAZI JOKE

  • LOL NAW EH

    THIS ISH WORSE THAN MORPH SUITS

  • http://www.evilmerino.tumblr.com/ Evil Merino

    #BlameMacklemore – cosigned. I’m a Seattle native and fuck that dude.

  • cozyKev

    i dont think ive ever cringed for so long in my life. im writhing in pain

  • squatty

    i will fight the whole staff of four-pins in a death match in one of those onsie things… pussies

    • bruce will…is

      who are you and why are you so mad?

    • bruce will…is

      who are you and why are you so mad?

      • Ryan Mercer

        Real question is why is he backing up hoodsies????

  • middlefinger

    Blame Eddie Huang. See Monica Monroe.

    • RoyalwithCheese

      Eddie is funny AF but he does dress like an adult baby

  • martytomas

    Please remove this GIF. I never want to see it again.

  • DKnox

    Glad he mentioned the chick being hot. That’s the only thing that got me through.

  • Thomas Pardo

    Bless this article