Here Are The Worst Flip Flops Ever

I don’t even know, man. I mean, I get the sensation of walking barefoot on grass. It’s nice. It makes you feel connected to nature and all that shit like a modern day Henry David Thoreau. But these are flip flops, which, unless you’re a pro surfer, you have no business wearing away from water. I mean what do flip flops say about your lifestyle? Evidently you don’t plan on ever getting chased and how boring is the dude who never gets chased? Answer: very fucking boring. What if someone steals your fancy (insert extremely manly accessory here) and you gotta run ‘em down if you ever want to see it gain and eventually pass it down to your son and everything else the blog you saw it on told you to do. Good fucking luck running in flip flops, man. Now you gotta yell, “Stop! Somebody help! THAT MAN JUST STOLE MY FANCY EXTREMELY MANLY ACCESSORY!” Do you want to yell that in public? Also, these aren't even have real grass. Yep, you're looking at flip flops filled with AstroTurf—goddamn AstroTurf. You might as well just, I mean, I can’t even come up with a suitable insult I’m so agitated. If you really want the feeling of walking barefoot in grass how about you actually take your shoes off and walk barefoot in the fucking grass? If you want, you can send me some cash and I’ll duct tape some wild Detroit crabgrass to some Havaianas for you.

  • Jenna B

    Dear Mr. Moy– AstroTurf is a brand name. I believe you are looking for the term “artificial turf.” As an ex-member of the artificial turf manufacturing community, I forgive you. It’s just like saying Kleenex if you just want a tissue and don’t even care about what brand it is. Unless you DO care. Which is weird.

    XOXOXOXOOXOXXOOXOXOX JB

  • KUSA

    Hey, thanks for the rant man. Made a couple of sales off your vitriolic humour!

    KUSA