The Great Customer Service Troll

A great thing about the Internet is that it allows one to quickly and easily come into contact with anyone. I can @-reply Donald Trump on Twitter and tell him that he is made out of 25 polyethylene bags filled with garbage and he can read it and have it in the back of his mind as he fills up his bags. I have also found out that you can email companies anything and they’ll respond to you. I usually choose to write companies in all-caps, intensely misspelled diatribes that make little sense, and the customer service representatives have no choice to respond back in benevolent corporatese. I am mommy’s little bad boy. I once emailed Jelly Belly about the faulty popcorn j-bean flavor, and recently emailed Chipotle in which I got a free burrito for pretending to be a deranged insane person. DiGornio Pizza even follows me on Twitter, and one time I asked them for a free pizza and they gave me two. Seeing as this is a fashion website of some sort, I decided to email various fashion companies something in the same vein as my previous efforts to see how they reacted. Here is the exact same email I wrote to everyone:

"HELLO,

I BELEVE THE YEAR WAS 2013. I WALKED INTO TO YOU'RE STORE, AND WAS IMMEDIAEDTLY AMBUSHED BY YOUR RABIES-INFESTED GANG OF SECRUITY GUARDS. I HATE THEM! ANYWAY, I CALMLY WALKED INTO YOU'R STORE AND WAS TACLKED AND REMOVED FROM YOUR STORE. FOR, LIFE. THEY SAID I WASN'T WEARING "PANTS" AND I WAS "BLEEEDING FROM ALL MY ORFICES" AND WAS CARRYING A "LIGHTED MATCH" AND "THREATENING TO EAT FIRE" LIKE A "CRAZY MAN." UM. THAT SOUND LIKE ME, BUT I AM SURE THAT THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN. ALMOST SURE/ IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THAT THIS DID HAPEN, BUT I DONT THINk SO , MOST LIKELY. ANYWAY I AM DEMADNING 7 OF YOUR PR0DUCT, AND IT SHOULD BE FOR FREE. YOURE EMPLOYEES MADE ASSAULT TO ME. MAKE WITH THE FREE GOODS AND PRODUCTS

THANKS,

BRENDAN"

So that's what I sent. Originally, I had a line in there threatening to sue, but my editor wisely told me that maybe I shouldn’t do that. I sent the email to 14 companies, and 7 got back to me. The following are some of their responses.

Brendan O'Hare is attempting to be a writer and comedian while living in NYC. Follow his comedy jokes on Twitter here.

  • Kanye East

    but you are shopping in all these places?! aren’t these store the ones you constantly make fun of and downgrade in menswear!? the contradiction is everywhere. these places shouldn’t be relevant on this site.

    • Carlos Mencia

      It’s a joke dummy. Eat a popcorn flavored jelly bean and relax.

    • connor

      BItch listen and shop at aeropostale

  • connor

    hahaha great idea best article in too long

  • Matt

    I’m wondering what would be funnier: watching you pretend that this is a good idea for an article and pitching it to Lawrence in a “yo you get that this is a mad ill funny joke righ I’m really an excellent source for original content/articulate writer that can’t be taken srsly” sort of way, or watching Edward Norton re-heat leftover lasagna.

    I think you get the picture.

    • sncosme

      I don’t know what you read, Matt, or how that stick got lodged up your ass so far, but I was laughing my ass off.

      • Matt

        I think Brendan found his target audience…thank you based internet.

    • http://twitter.com/iSkeptic TonyTooCool

      u gotta b a fucking idiot to not laugh at this and leave this type of comment

  • Sam

    “Brendan O’Hare is attempting to be a writer and comedian while living in NYC.” – I think the emphasis should be on ‘attempting’. Good concept, poor article. I don’t know what’s worse, the writer thinking that this was a great idea or the fact that the editor allowed this to be posted on Four Pins; must have been a slow week at the office.

    • Jacoby

      “good concept” and “thinking this was a great idea” are two contradictory statements, shitclod

  • wrong

    fuckin terrible article. four pins needs to curate a little harder

  • TROLL NOOB@YAHOO.COM

    You could actually get the free products if you didn’t go about it like a noob troll.