Not So Guaranteed Lifetime Guarantees

Have you ever justified a purchase by telling yourself that the company has lifetime guarantee for the product? Yeah, me too. Hopefully, you aren't like the asshole in Pearson v. Chung, who sued a local store for $54 million in damages for a botched alteration on his pants—maybe even his favorite pants—all because there was a "satisfaction guaranteed" sign. FUCK YOU, ROY L. PEARSON. WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST ASK FOR THE $10.50 YOU PAID FOR THE ALTERATIONS BACK?

In a piece today, Adweek explains the reasons why and how a company would ever even offer such a guarantee. While it can lead to positive word of mouth and consumer interest, it's also fraught with its own problems. L.L. Bean, for instance, is well known for backing its lifetime guarantee—famously, 90 of the first 100 Bean boots ever sold were returned. And you better believe yung L.L. kept his fucking word and designed a better sole moving forward. Obviously, returns like this can become a company's worst nightmares and often they'll hedge their guarantees, not accepting returns for "general wear and tear," or go full douchebag like Rainbow brand sandals, whose guarantee does not include "wear to the sole, torn straps, damage from dog chewing," "skateboard abuse" or, of all things, "any damage as a result of the sandal coming into contact with moisture." SO, BASICALLY WEARING SANDALS? DOPE. THANKS, RAINBOW. YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST.

Why such annoyingly specific exemptions? BECAUSE, LIKE ANYTHING IN LIFE, THERE IS ALWAYS A GREEDY ASSHOLE LIKE ROY L. PEARSON THAT RUINS A GOOD THING FOR EVERYONE. And this is where the real takeaway from this article comes up. See, Adweek inadvertently just let me in on a pretty amazing little scam. There are real, actual motherfuckers out here buying used L.L. Bean and North Face gear on eBay and at thrift shops and then RETURNING THEM FOR FULL RETAIL. PURE MOTHERFUCKING GENIUS. Catch me out here making a career out of returning gently used garments for straight cash refunds. Fuck wit me.

  • Roy L. Pearson

    Dem niggas stole mah pants