The Future Of Wearable Technology Is Completely Pointless

Call me a Luddite. Call it my lack of a vision for the future. Call it what you will, but this story on Studio XO, the London-based fashion and technology firm that designed Lady Gaga's bubble dress and "flying dress," is goddamn fucking ridiculous. According to Studio XO's founding partners, future clothing designed from micro-robots will be able to shrink and expand to fit. YEAH FUCKING RIGHT, MY GUYS. Can you imagine if that shit glitches on your walk to work? LOL TALK ABOUT ATOMIC WEDGIE. Also, slow your fucking roll, Studio XO. You just basically strapped a bunch of bubble machines to Lady Gaga's body and called it hi-tech. I can literally buy a really similar bubble machine from Toys "R" Us right now for, like, $17.95. That's not hi-tech. It might look cool if yo'’re into that sort of thing, but it's not hi-tech. AND STOP USING THE PROLIFERATION OF SMART PHONES AS SOME SORT OF PROXY FOR SUPER COMPUTER GARMENTS. A PHONE IS WAY DIFFERENT THAN A PAIR OF PANTS THAT COULD POTENTIALLY CONSTRICT MY BALLS IF I HIT THE WRONG SETTING.

Oh man, and then there's this "flying dress." Spoiler alert: It isn't a flying dress. It's just a helicopter without a cockpit. Literally, you just stand on a platform and it takes off. That's cool, I guess, but that's not a dress. That's still a fucking helicopter. ALSO, IN THE FUTURE WE STILL PROBABLY WON'T BE FLYING AROUND IN PERSONAL AIRCRAFT BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE STILL DRINKING ALCOHOL AND DOING DRUGS AND THEN DRIVING AUTOMOBILES. CAN YOU IMAGINE IF AFTER A TURN UP SESSION YOU COULD JUST STRAP ON YOUR DICK OVENS S/S 2024 TANK TOP AND JUST FLY HOME? YOU WOULD END UP CRASHING HORRIFICALLY INTO A FUCKING BUD LIGHT PLATINUM BILLBOARD.

I'm all for advances in wearable technology, but c'mon man, the only technological advances I needed in my garments were reversible bombers and two-way zips. Ain't nobody trying to be Inspector Gadget out here. How about instead we finally invent a fucking hoverboard? I WOULD TAKE A HOVERBOARD OVER A STUPID FLYING BUBBLE DRESS ANY DAY. I'd take one over those magic shrink-to-fit sneakers too. Or I could fuck with a lightsaber. Someone please hook us up with lightsaber technology. Oh cool, your drop crotch can adjust the amount of crotch drop at the touch of a button? THIS THING THAT LOOKS LIKE A FLASHLIGHT CAN CUT YOUR ARM OFF AND CAUTERIZE THE WOUND AT THE SAME DAMN TIME.