A Completely Unnecessary Dissertation On Footwear Mathematics

Sit back while I strap you into my knowledge roller coaster and send you on the educational ride of a lifetime with these crucial footwear mathematics learnings. What the fuck are footwear mathematics? I don't know man, I just made that shit up. But basically, I realized that sneakers are simultaneously the most crucial and least crucial part of your wardrobe. Geriatric New Balances look ugly the vast majority of the time—you open up a box of 990's and you almost instantly vomit all over yourself. And yet, in the presence of an amazing cast of characters—say, slim black jeans, an indigo dyed crewneck, a man tunic and a Rick Owens MA-1—they are not only rescued from their own ugliness, but are transmorphisized into they key ingredient of a truly next level alphet. It's like the good-looking clothes have the power to reverse the polarization of ugly sneakers or some shit. Case in point: the Engineered Garments F/W 2013 lookbook.

Now, these Adidas Gazelle Indoor's don't really fall into the above scenario. They are extremely good looking on their own and, in fact, the lack of Adidas branding on the heel earns them a sort of next level status within the vacuum of their own existence. You open a box of these and you're looking at minimum 70 percent blood flow.

The dynamics between amazing sneakers and clothing are the exact opposite of those between ugly sneakers and garments mentioned above. When great-looking sneakers are paired with straight doo-doo fits—say, GAP chinos, a gingham shirt, a North Face Denali fleece and a 40oz Van snapback—they are at risk of having their bonafides stripped away, shunned to a life of peasantdom despite a royal birthright.

In conclusion, while cool shoes make a cool outfit, ugly shoes are key to a next level outfit, and dope shoes cannot rescue an ugly outfit. In footwear mathematics terms, that's:

Cool Shoes + Cool Outfit = Typical Cool Outfit

Ugly Shoes + Dope Outfit = Transcendent Next Level Outfit

Dope Shoes + Ugly Outfit =  Unsalvageable Doo-Doo Outfit

So, make sure you wear these Adidas with the right gear. Cool? Cool.

  • typos ruin titles

    *unnecessary

  • Donger

    LOL @ the 40ozVan reference. WHY R U ALIENATING UR TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC, DAWG?

  • booboobb

    I think u should mention Air Max 95s in this… also Woolf can i get guest list please?

  • WAVY

    ”What the fuck are footwear mathematics? I don’t know man, I just made that shit up.” No son you did not. Look right on this page in the related posts. The guy you’re constantly biting on made that shit up 2 months ago…