Guys, come on, this is some bullshit. I didn't even do anything wrong. This is really unfair. Fine, whatever. But let me just say a final few words. I've got some things I need to get off my crotch.
Listen, I'm a very principled man. I have many principles. So many, in fact, that I'm not going to bore you by listing them right now. Just, like, know that I have a lot of principles. Basically, any good principle you can think of, I've got it. "There goes Ol' Principled Dov," they used to say. It doesn’t matter who they are, just that it was said, frequently.
I founded this company with the belief that there was some good left in the world. I fucking hate sweatshops, you guys. If there's one thing I can’t stand, it's people in a position of power exploiting others. Sorry, I should clarify: I'm talking about, like, child labor and shit. I could have changed everything. I could have fixed this broken system. I'm tired of seeing multinational corporations travel to poor countries to take advantage of people. I didn't have to travel anywhere to do that.
Some people will say that my numerous legal troubles finally caught up with me—that I'm getting what I deserve. But guess what? I actually like getting sued. Didn't see that one coming, huh? Did you know that Woody Allen once sued me for using his image without permission? Looking back, I definitely see where he was coming from. Consent is an important issue to the both of us.
I'm not going to apologize because I've done nothing wrong. That leaked video you may have seen? Not even me. The guy in the video had a huge bush going on down there, but take a look at this. See? Completely shaved. Uh, actually, if you don't mind, I'm just gonna go ahead and keep them off for the rest of my tirade.
It's sad, really. Now the world won't get to see my latest creations, and it's all your fault. The denim bowtie, the $35 hairnet and the cardigan that's also a skirt, but actually, is a pair of pants. Man, it's a real shame. You could have kept me here as a creative consultant. Check this shit out: pastel gumboots. BOOM. That was just off the top of my head. It's your loss. I'm out of here. See you motherfuckers in hell.
You know what? I feel bad for you guys. Fuck it, here ya go, um, hoodie overalls. Keep the change.
Stefan J. is a writer living in Vancouver. You can read his personal blog here and follow him on Twitter here.
