Condé Nast Entertainment (CNE) and 20th Century Fox Television have signed a "first-look" deal for three scripted TV projects, though it should be noted that CNE currently has three shows on air that nobody has ever seen: Vanity Fair Confidential, The Fashion Fund and Geeks Who Drink. So, who else reading this, that watches real television, is excited to see what this new partnership has in store? For all of you hoping that GQ is gonna have some dope ass show about next level style and men's fashion, you're fucking delusional. This shit is going to be all about Vogue and cooking and travel because that's what people watch on TV. You know what, since wild speculation is a hobby of mine, let's outline five potential new shows that could be hitting the airwaves soon:
1. Architectural Digest presents: Architectural Digest
Sure, the name isn't that creative, but have you guys ever even opened up an issue of Architectural Digest? That's literally exactly what it is, so fall the fuck back. This show will feature home tours of both celebrities and anonymous super rich people. The home tours will never feature any human beings living or enjoying their opulent domiciles. Instead, they'll feature tracking shots of empty homes immaculately staged in ways that make it seem like no one actually lives these. There will be lots of bowls of fruit and probably, like, 17 billion Eames lounge chairs.
2. Lucky presents: The Look For Less
On this show, Lucky editors teach teens the best ways to shoplift from high-end boutiques that are too fancy and proud to use anti-theft devices. Expect senior staffers to teach young women how to circumvent closed circuit cameras and those things that shoot ink all over the clothes when you try to rip them off.
3. Bon Appétit presents: Are You Really Gonna Eat That?
EIC Adam Rapoport goes around NYC with absurd dishes in tow and tries to get annoying ass hipsters to eat them. Because every foodie secretly wants to be Anthony Bourdain, they will pretty much put anything in their mouth if it's got "local," "artisanal," "farm fresh," and/or "organic" in the description. In the series premiere, a local Williamsburg couple eats organic artisanal llama butthole and acts like it tastes just like quinoa.
4. Teen Vogue presents: Amy And Lisa Stunt On These Hoes
In this series, Teen Vogue editors Amy Astley and Lisa Love give advice to the naive and impressionable. They tell the younger staffers at Teen Vogue that dick is low value and that they should focus on whatever makes them happiest and to never, ever let some lame dude get in the way of their ambitions.
5. GQ presents: The Style Guide
This show will be an hour long and cover the "700 Reasons Why You Need to Buy a Gray Suit." Instead of 42 straight minutes of style coverage, the show will inexplicably insert 28 minutes of the "Hottest 74 Woman of this Half of the Century" because just talking about clothes for an hour straight is gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that or anything.