Buying Clothes For The Weather You Want Rather Than The Weather You Have

On Monday, it snowed YET AGAIN in New York. This coupled with the fact that CM Punk didn't show up on WWE Raw despite the fact that they were shooting the shit IN HIS MOTHERFUCKING HOMETOWN OF CHICAGO is proof that there is no god or, if there is a god, he certainly doesn't give a fuck about our feelings. This winter has been one of the worst ones in recent memory, perhaps even the worst in the history of humans not slaying animals and wearing their hides as their own. We've officially entered into March and said hell winter is showing no signs of stopping. Abandon all fucks, ye who enter a here.

Hating this weather is not some sort of horrible sin, and it does not make you weak, and it does not mean that the city is somehow "beating" you. The city is an inanimate object. It has no arms, therefore it cannot beat anyone or anything. It just means you're a sane person who respects yourself and your well-being enough to realize walking to a train in twelve degree weather is fucking bullshit. This is the type of winter that breaks one's spirit, causing even natives to consider moving to Los Angeles because why would you subject yourself to months of inhospitable bullshit when you could just renew your drivers license and live inside a palm tree or whatever L.A. people do.

Part of what makes New York so sweet every other year except this one is that it has distinct seasons, which means you get to wear lots and lots of different types of alphets, which allow you to visually represent the unique and special swaggy snowflake of a lion that lives inside each and every one of us, using various fabrics and layering to your advantage. This is the point of #m3n5w3ar. This winter has thrown off the natural balance of such things. People need new seasons so they can wear new alphets (this is also why True Detective is only eight episodes, also Matthew McCaughnahey's a replicant, you idiots). This winter has deprived us of that.

Each male human in this city has exhausted every single combination and permutation of his cold weather gear. Their sub-zero alphet arsenal has been raped and pillaged. The ability to subtly stunt upon your lessers, using your alphets to give your enemies reason to jump into the abyss—or at least give them just cause to run to the nearest sample sale—has become meaningless. At this point, one simply hopes to survive. I've been wearing sweatpants to work every day, essentially out of silent protest to powers beyond my comprehension. I'm pretty sure this is what communism feels like.

But—BUT—there is a way to combat this. And, because I'm such a nice guy, I'm going to tell you right now. Sure, it's dumb, but, then again, they said hoverboarts were dumb too and then somebody went and made this, which I refuse to believe is a hoax. Listen, just start buying up shorts left and right, like you're some sort of goddamn weather wizard. There is incontrovertible proof that if you drop enough guwop on shorts that it will help artificially inflate the demand for shorts, which will cause the short factories that make shorts go into overdrive, which will in turn contribute to global warming, which will eradicate winter once and for all. I'm going to keep doing this until it gets warmer and you should to. Then, once it's warm, I'll pretend like it happened because of me (and you too, I guess). Join me. Capitalism will set you free.

P.S. None of this applies to assholes wearing beanies in summer. Fuck you guys forever. Seriously.

Drew Millard is wearing shorts right now. You can read more of his work on Noisey and follow him on Twitter here.

  • LSP

    #m3n5w3ar

  • Guest

    i was pretty pissed about the cm punk thing too

    • London Calling

      He at least owes his fans an explanation. Especially considering how much they repped for him Monday night.

  • kingleeroi

    special swaggy snowflake of a lion