According To A New Trend Report, You Are A “Yummy”

Whenever I need a trend report infused with attempts at being clever and pithy, I look to multinational banks. HSBC just released such a report that describes what they see as an emerging trend amongst luxury consumers: They're getting younger and, surprisingly, more male. Which I guess is only surprising if you are a giant banking corporation or living under a fucking rock, which are kind of one in the same, no? But more egregious that HSBC's super obvious conclusion is the fact that they chose to label this new marketing cohort as "young, urban, male." Okay, that doesn't sound that bad. In fact, had the report simply recommended that luxury brands begin to refocus their gaze and marketing dollars on young, urban males, we wouldn't be having this conversation. But then they had to go ahead and brick the whole endeavor by creating an acronym because writing the whole thing out just takes way too long. And what did they come up with? "Y.U.M." Because "metrosexual" wasn't bad enough, HSBC had to go and label us as "yummies." MOTHER. FUCKING. YUMMIES.

The obsession with labeling men who pay attention to fashion is getting out of hand. A yummy is the same thing as a metrosexual, which is the same thing as a dandy, which is the same thing as whatever asinine label that some trend report comes up with next. I think what signifiers like "metrosexual" and "yummy" really highlight is America's continuing and long-running discomfort with men who are unabashed in their materialism and social preening.

And, listen, I get it, I get it, I get it. A "yummy" is less of a real acronym and more of a play on "yuppie," but, like, doesn't yuppie still apply? Is it that yuppies were less concerned with luxury goods? Because young men, who marry later in life, and are preoccupied with notions of social status and impressing their peers, and are spending more and more money on things like cosmetics (thank you for ONCE not coming up with some weird portmanteau like "cosMANtics" or some shit) aren't any different from yuppies. Are you saying that yuppies have aged out of the "young and urban" part of the definition? That they now work in corporate offices that churn out terrible trend reports with even worse acronyms? Yeah, I figured as much.

  • HL Merkin

    Yuppies were definitely not less concerned with luxury goods. Patrick Bateman was a parody of Yuppie excesses.

  • Holiday Kirk

    Anyone that non-ironically uses the term “yummies” is catching a no questions asked fade from someone.