2013 Influencer Epidemic Leaves Hundreds of Trends Dead

NEW YORK — As scores of street style photos from Pitti Uomo and Milan Fashion Week have shown, Influencer Season is in full effect. On a global scale, men are embracing floppy hats and shawls at an unprecedented rate, reportedly leaving 1.2 tons of unattended Red Wing boots, double-breasted shawl-collar cardigans and freshly shorn beard hair in landfills everywhere.

“I was looking at Tommy Ton’s photos, and I realized—I’m more a Stephen Mann than a Nick Wooster,” says barista Zedd Flintlock, a tall man with a perfect topknot, who faintly smelled of a fair trade Peruvian blend and the newest scent from Odin. “So I threw away all my Harris Tweed jackets and Thom Browne shirts. Now I strictly wear The Soloist and Visvim noragis.”

With New York market week approaching, and Fashion Week after that, doctors are warning residents to be ever vigilant and seek out proper infection prevention methods.

“Whatever you do, stay off of Instagram,” warns Dr. Malcolm Pierce, whose boutique clinic is located in the back corner of Opening Ceremony in SoHo. “Hypebeast is particularly bad this year—now that they have their own e-commerce store,” he added. “Yesterday I saw close to 30 patients with severe cases of instacopping. In fact, some even arrived here with armfuls of bags from Flight Club, Barneys and 21 Mercer. Others went so far as having their purchases delivered to my office. That next-day delivery is no joke.”

Vaccinations are sold out everywhere, as the pharmacies carrying them tweet about upcoming drops weeks before availability, leading to Influencer-stricken lines of people camping outside area Duane Reade and Walgreen’s locations. Even the outer boroughs aren’t safe from the disease’s spread.

"I went to Finish Line with my cousin Diego last week. I didn't know he was contagious," claims Oscar Rodriguez, 17, of Yonkers. "Next thing I knew, I woke up next to three pairs of the same Air Flight '89s he bought."

To help protect you and your loved ones this season, Dr. Pierce provided us with a comprehensive rundown of symptoms. Beware, you or someone you know may already be an Influencer.

Additional reporting by everyone you follow on Twitter/Tumblr/Instagram with more followers than you.

  • Scott Browne

    Dafuq did i just read

  • Marcus

    how can I get my hands on those double breasted shawl collar cardigans!? ANYONE with info PLZ email me A-FUCKIN’-SAP

  • catzuella

    i thoroughly enjoyed reading all of that. and now i want to meet dr. malcom pierce.