The Worst Gifts You'll Get For Christmas This Year (And Who Will Give Them To You)

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A Gift Card

From: Your Boss

Let’s face it, your boss knows absolutely nothing about you. All he is aware of is that you are late at least twice a week and that your co-workers like you, but your superiors are on the fence because you have "motivation issues". Your boss doesn’t even care if you actually celebrate Christmas, so he’s gonna toss you and everyone else in the office a gift card. But not a store-specific card. Nope, that would require some knowledge about you and your shopping habits. Homie's best bet is one of those spend anywhere fake credit card type joints. It'll be for exactly 12 bucks and the activation fee is, like, $2.95, so, really, you have less than 10 dollars to spend, which means you will buy yourself two coffees, making you late to work two times. The more I think about it, the more I'm realizing this "gift" is simply a kind of fucked up, evil genius preemptive strike on behalf of your boss. What a douchebag.

A Kazoo

From: Your Shitty Aunt

Before you question this list with comments like, "Who the fuck would buy another adult human being a kazoo for a Christmas present?!" just know that I’ve seent it. I'VE SEENT IT WITH MY OWN EYES! MY AUNT GAVE MY DAD A KAZOO FOR CHRISTMAS. AT THAT RATE YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST GIVE A CARD THAT SAYS: "I FUCKING HATE YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE" INSTEAD OF GOING THROUGH ALL THE TROUBLE OF TRACKING DOWN A GODDAMN KAZOO IN 2013.

A Pair Of "Dress Shoes"

From: Your Girlfriend

Listen, I have nothing against your girlfriend—I'm just working off statistics. There are a lot of ugly fucking shoes out there. And whenever I get sent survey results to make fun of, they almost always say that most men let their significant others pick out their clothes. GIRLS HAVE HORRENDOUS TASTE IN MEN’S FOOTWEAR. NUMBERS DON’T LIE. You’re gonna have to pretend to like whatever monstrosities in a size 10.5 your boo puts under the tree. Also, start making plans now on wearing them in public at least TWICE in the following month, lest she think you question her bad taste. Maybe next year you’ll give each other the gift of honesty.

A Carton Of Cigarettes

From: Your One Whitetrash/Redneck Cousin Who You're Not Exactly Sure How You're Related To And Who No One Even Remembers Inviting To Christmas

Garbage begets garbage.

An Illumisphere From, Like, Hammacher Schlemmer Or Whatever

From: The Uncle That Is kind Of An Asshole, But The One You Get Along With The Most Of All Your Aunts And Uncles Precisely Due To The Fact That He's Kind Of An Asshole

This uncle is the relative that picked up on how little actual school you were attending and how much drugs you were doing your first few semesters away at college. He’s basically a dickhead, but, then again, so are you and you two have this weird mutual respect thing happening. He will get you a completely pointless swirling light sphere thing and when everyone else is like, “What?!” He’ll be like, “Trust me, he likes it,” while pantomiming smoking a J.

A Struggle Flannel

From: The Cousin That Reads Your Blog

They saw that picture of Kanye you reblogged wearing a flannel around his waist and then saw your tweets about missing out on that Sacai flannel during Black Friday. Well, they don’t have an LN-CC in Des Moines, so they went and got this flannel from Old Navy that is "…just like the pattern on the one Kanye wore!" Hey, don’t judge them. At least they put a modicum of thought into your gift. All you got them was a $12 gift card with a $2.95 activation fee.

Travel Size Hygiene Products

From: Your Younger Sibling Who Just Started College

Clearly, they just pilfered this set from the box of free condoms and toothbrushes and shit they got when they moved into their dorm, despite their assertions they got you this because you "travel a lot for work, right?" At least they didn’t give you their rape whistle.

A Sports Almanac

From: The Out Of Town Relative

They know nothing about you other than the fact that you’re a nerd. What do you expect them to get you? They know you like sports, but can’t play them at all. ALL NERDY KIDS GET SPORTS ALMANACS AT SOME POINT IN THEIR LIVES. I have, like, twelve of these shits.

Cash Money

From: The Aunt Who Gets It

She’s younger than most of your relatives and she still realizes that no matter what, cash is king. No activation fees, no batteries to have to go out and buy, no assembly required. SERIOUSLY, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, CASH IS THE MOST THOUGHTFUL GIFT OF ALL.

Am iTunes Gift Card

From: You Significant Other's Parents

I know no one uses iTunes to actually buy music. You just listen to the previews to make sure the album is worth illegally downloading. But, before you get too butthurt, remember that the real gift your girl’s parents are giving you this year is overlooking the fact that their darling daughter is having sex with you.

A Charitable Donation In Your Name

From: Who Fucking Cares Because This Person Is Now Dead To You

End of story.

Drugs

From: Your Best Friend From High School

Your best friend from high school—no matter how long has gone by since you last saw each other—is still one of the coolest motherfuckers on the planet. And every year during Christmas you guys get high and go to the movies like nothing ever changed.

A BB Gun/Swiss Army Knife/Ninja Stars/Anything Generally Dangerous

From: Your Dad

Dads are rad because no matter how inherently dangerous something is, they will also always understand how much fucking cooler that makes it. Your mom would never allow it, but your dad gives her this speech about how it will teach you responsibility and shit like that and she relents and then—BOOM!—just like that you now have a sweet fucking knife, which you promptly cut your thumb on when you look up because your cousin is all, “Check this out,” and on the way to the emergency room to get nine stitches your mom gives your dad this look like, "NOW I'M GOING TO CUT YOUR THUMB OFF," and he’s like, “But honey, you were the one watching him” and then your dad sleeps on the couch.