Well guys, the title says it all. For the seventh consecutive year, a film that has been reviewed by critics, Wild Hogs, was denied an Oscar nomination in every category. I know you might be thinking to yourself, "Brendan, this was a very good year for movies—one of the strongest in years. Although Hogs was a hilarious, awe-inspiring work of art, the people who chose the nominees were transfixed by the shiny newness of films like American Pawn Hustlers and 12 Years A Butler."
Like a child or dumber adult who is drawn to the gifts under the Christmas tree instead of the tinsel, the Oscar folks blew it because they were distracted by something new. They forgot about the TRUE prize, the old reliable prize, the prize that is there year after year.
Again, you may be thinking to yourself, "Brendan, that analogy makes no sense. Who would want tinsel instead of Christmas gifts? Have you been sniffing the backs of Post-It Notes again? I thought we told you not to go to Staples. In fact, I thought you got banned from Staples. Have you been buying Post-It Notes from black market office supply dealers? Those Post-It Notes might have been laced with PCP." And to that to that I say, "Yes."
If you don’t remember Wild Hogs, firstly fuck you. Secondly, it's the classic 2007 tale of a group of men (the titular "Wild" "Hogs") who ride their motorcycles across the country only to encounter trouble with the evil hellbeasts known as the Del Fuegos. The Fuegos think the Hogs are "posers", but they are wrong. The Hogs aren’t posers because they can do no wrong. The are symbols of freedom, friendship and fun, while the Fuegos are symbols of evil and Satan and Goldman Sachs and babies who cry just by looking at my face and landlords who kick me out of apartment buildings for obvious squatting. Starring in the film are Martin Lawrence (of the 20th century sitcom Martin Lawrence), Tim Allen (the Shaggy Dog), John Travolta (a man of science) and William H. Macy (not related to Macy’s Department Store ). They are the Hog Heroes and the Band of the Brothers. Ray Liotta (actor) is the leader of the Del Fuegos (bad) and Marisa Tomei (Macy’s love interest) is Macy’s love interest.
I even flew out on my OWN DIME to Hollywood and knocked on doors, only to be woken up by my alarm clock and realize that I had dreamt that last part.
Although I campaigned incredibly hard this year—as I do every year—it would appear as if I have failed yet AGAIN. It's so frustrating to be continuously brought down by the Hog-fearing simpletons over at Oscar Inc. I have tweeted about Wild Hogs, wrote numerous Facebook posts about its merits, stood in the middle of 5th Ave. and yelled at pedestrians about it until I was removed by police (or Oscar watchdogs?!?!). I even flew out on my OWN DIME to Hollywood and knocked on doors, only to be woken up by my alarm clock and realize that I had dreamt that last part.
Some people have told me that Wild Hogs is undeniably awful and unfunny. If these people are right, then I sure have wasted a lot of my time. And that would really depress me. Luckily, I am pretty sure that's not the case.
Do people not respect quality cinema anymore? Are we a listicle-obsessed, short-attention-span-having people, desensitized to the nuance of Wild Hogs? In short, yes. In long, absolutely. People take Wild Hogs for granted. It's there, year after year, in your DVD collection (I myself used to have 2 shelves full of Hogs DVD’s, but now I am up to 3!), always ready to be loved. But you get distracted by new movies and refuse to give Wild Hogs—the movie that gave so much, but asked for nothing in return—the proper attention it deserves. Well, one day Wild Hogs will have its day at the Oscars. What I am saying is, one day I will run onstage at the Oscars to promote the Hogs’ positive message.
Many people call me stupid for my persistence in trying to get the Hogs their due. Some even go as far to say, "Brendan, only movies made in the past year are eligible for consideration." Well, that’s loser talk. That is the talk of losers. That is loser talk. How many ways do I have to say it? People who say they have dreams, but abandon them because becoming an "Outer Space Deep-Sea Diver" or "Person Who Isn’t Banned For Life From Olive Garden" is too difficult, or even impossible, are exactly who our Founding Fathers and Wild Hogs despised. I will continue to fight for Hog justice because that is what the Hogs would have wanted. If I learned one thing from Wild Hogs—other than that gay men are constantly trying to have sex with me and women are nothing more than oppressive fire breathers—it's that everyone deserves to be treated with respect. The Hogs have not. And I will continue to fight until this injustice is rectified.
Hog on, my friends. Hog on.
Brendan O'Hare is attempting to be a writer and comedian while living in NYC. Follow his comedy jokes on Twitter here.