Pitching LeBron James A Free Agency Announcement Commercial

LeBron, you're more than a basketball player—you're a worldwide brand. Jay Z announced a new album in a damn Samsung commercial. Why can't you do the same thing?

We want a commercial that people will voluntarily watch on YouTube. We want them to press "Skip Ad" before literally watching a commercial. We want them to forget that it's a commercial at all, but, like, not to the point where they don't want to buy the product. That would be stupid. We want them to buy the product.

Sports commercials are filled with the same shit. They're black and white, they have dramatic music, slow motion and voice-overs. And they're all the same for a reason: because they work. Why mess with the formula? Anyway, here's the script. Let us know what you think.

* * *

LEBRON (Voice-Over)

All my life, I’ve been underestimated.

[Black and white. We see a pair of hands grasping a basketball.]

LEBRON (VO)

Like a metaphorical basketball being dropped to the ground.

[The basketball drops to the ground, bounces a few times before finally rolling away.]

 LEBRON (VO)

The metaphorical basketball represents me…or does it? Maybe I'm the hands that dropped the ball.

[The ball gets picked up by the hands, and then dropped again. Remember that all of this is in black and white so it's really powerful.]

LEBRON (VO)

All my life, I’ve been surrounded by haters.

[We hear an angry crowd yelling at the hands holding the basketball. Oh yeah, right, the hands picked the ball back up at some point, after dropping it for a second time. Could the hands…could they belong to LeBron? The hands drop the ball again. We hear someone mumble "shit."]

LEBRON (VO)

All my life, I've been told, "You can’t do that."

[We see a close-up of someone wagging their finger angrily. It's a different hand, not the hands that keep dropping and picking up the basketball. We cut back to those hands and they're picking up the basketball that they just dropped, for, like, the fifth time.]

 LEBRON (VO)

Guess what? I'm done being underestimated.

[The hands start dribbling the basketball, doing cool tricks with the ball. Once again, it needs to be stressed that this is all in black and white, so it's really artistic.]

LEBRON (VO)

I'm done with the haters.

[The hands drop the ball, but this time, there's a reason. They flip the double bird, and the disembodied crowd gasps. Insanely rude, but hey, sometimes people want attitude. Maybe we'll throw in a guitar riff when he flips the birds. The guitar will emphasize the rudeness of the gesture.]

 LEBRON (VO)

I can do that.

[We pull back and it turns out the hands holding the basketball did belong to LeBron James. Nobody saw this coming. LeBron does an insane dunk and the crowd of haters literally catches on fire. It's unclear why this happens, or why LeBron is training in a gym full of people who vocally detest him in the first place. LeBron turns and faces us.]

LEBRON

I’m ready to make my decision.

[We flash back to The Decision. It's in black and white, but a slightly lighter shade, to show that it's in the past. We see LeBron making his decision in super slow-mo.]

LEBRON

But this time…it's going to be different.

 [LeBron dribbles the ball and gives a little laugh. It's pleasant as hell.]

 LEBRON

This fall, I'm going to be playing world-class basketball in [INSERT CITY NAME HERE].

[LeBron turns to leave and tosses the ball over his shoulder. The ball slowly comes to a stop, revealing the Nike logo. Wow. This creative tour-de-force was a fucking commercial?!]

 * * *

Anyway, we'll give you a few days to mull it over. Just remember, every superstar athlete needs an iconic commercial. Joe Green had Coca-Cola. Tiger had the one where he bounced the golf ball. Jordan had the, uh, you know, the one where he had that stupid little mustache. The Hitler underpants one, remember? LeBron, it's time for your Hitler underpants moment.

Stefan J. is a writer living in Vancouver. You can read his personal blog here and follow him on Twitter here.

  • squatty

    weak