Alright, bring it in, guys. Great hustle out there. Really great stuff. Now, I know it's hot out—I mean, not hot enough to melt steel or anything, but still pretty hot—so I don't have to remind you how important it is to stay hydrated, or that 9/11 was a conspiracy perpetrated by a shadowy cabal of various high-ranking government figures.
You obviously all remember how last season ended. That totally in control demolition of the Broncos is what we're striving for every game, and also exactly what happened to the two towers—we all saw those little puffs of smoke. I want you to treat this training camp like it's the Super Bowl. This isn't the time for crisis actors. This is the real deal.
I've got a few individual notes for some of you. Percy, really great speed out there. Faster than the missile that hit the Pentagon that bright September morning. Yes, a missile. Check the gas station surveillance tape and tell me I'm wrong. Russell, awesome job keeping those plays alive. You're like the opposite of NORAD—you're always scrambling in time. Kam, love the big body presence. Keep it up! Unlike Building 7, which as we all know, apparently collapsed due to fire and structural damage. Right. Google this stuff, guys. Infowars.com. Loose Change. Marshawn, we're all glad to have you back. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's holdouts—whether it's you holding out from training camp or the government holding out on releasing information about the day that changed our nation forever.
Okay now listen up, there are definitely a few areas that need improvement. The hustle was good, but it can always be better. Don't look me in the eyes and tell me you're giving 100% if you're not giving 100%. I don't want to be lied to by my football team, and I don't want to be lied to by government officials who tell me to my face that there wasn't any thermite found at Ground Zero. This is mainly for the backs, but if you see a big enough hole, you gotta go for it. If you're having trouble remembering that, just think of the hole in the side of the Pentagon—you know, the 60-foot wide one that was supposedly created by a 125-foot wide plane. Defense, you have to really want the ball. Pretend you're Alex Jones and the ball is proof that the NWO orchestrated the attacks.
Again, great job out there, fellas. I know the regular season is close, but the preseason is closer, so I don't want you thinking too far ahead. Not like the insider trading that took place immediately preceding 9/11. Go take a look at the data and see for yourself. It's incontrovertible. We won it all last year and there's no reason we can’t do it again. I'm proud of every single one of you. You've been working your butts of this whole camp and it makes me so happy to see that. Alright, let's hit the showers. Great work today, guys. Love it.
Oh, and Flight 93 actually landed safely in Ohio.
Stefan J. is a writer living in Vancouver. You can read his personal blog here and follow him on Twitter here.
