Lapdances Just Got Creepier

GUYS, stop whatever it is you’re doing. Stop pretending to do work and tell all your co-workers to gather around your computer. We all need to discuss the most amazing piece of technological innovation since the iPhone. What could be so embarrassingly weird and creepy that its "discrete" packaging disguises it as a “European Penis Bath”? BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY NOT EMBARRASSING TO HAVE TO PURCHASE A EUROPEAN BATHING KIT FOR YOUR PENIS.

The miracle product I’m talking about is called Liquid Lapdance. What the fuck is a Liquid Lapdance? Well, it's specially designed underwear you wear to the strip club, of course. Why do you need special underwear at the strip club? Because this special underwear comes with lube and a special chamber to stick your boner in. YES. YOU’RE FIGURING IT OUT! This company has designed and marketed underwear specifically for the occasions in which you have a stripper grinding on your dillz.

First, not only does this product highlight the weird creepiness that goes on in the champagne room, but it encourages it. Liquid Lapdance is like, “Hey, not getting enough under the pants action in your life? Why not have a girl with daddy issues dry hump the shit out of you to completion for around $25 every 3 minutes or so? All you need to do is give us $20 for our genius contraceptive undergarment and we’re good.”

THINK ABOUT THIS FOR A MOMENT. This company envisions a world where you're either wearing these weird condom boxers to the strip club OR a stripper offers you a pair before you start your private session. See, you go into the bathroom, put these on, lube yourself up and then jizz in your pants. If these take off in any way shape or form there will be grown men everywhere walking around with lubed up genitalia in what is most likely latex underwear. HOLY FUCK, MAYBE THEY ALREADY ARE!

There’s a reason why there are zero pictures of what these monstrosities actually look like. It can only mean that you most likely will look like a complete and utter sexual deviant wearing them. A billion shouts to any of our readers who buy the "bachelor party pack".

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  • BreakITDownDC

    i’m definitely tryna get a pair of these today!