Joining The Cocksman Club Might Be Hazardous To Your Health

Are you shy about buying condoms at the store? SUCK IT UP, YA DORK. IF YOU'RE NOT SHY ENOUGH TO AVOID BEING NAKED IN FRONT OF ANOTHER SENTIENT HUMAN BEING AND ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITIES WITH SAID HUMAN BEING, YOU AREN'T TOO SHY TO BUY A BOX OF CONDOMS. Get your fucking act together.

However, if you don't want to get your act together, you can sign up for something called The Cocksman Club. Because, if buying a condom in person is too embarrassing for you, clearly joining a club that sends you condoms monthly and calls itself "The Cocksman Club" won't be embarrassing at all. I just don't understand why you would need a service to send you condoms once a month. I mean, why can't you be like a normal person and just cop a box at your local Target? You really think the checkout girl cares what kind of stupid shit you're buying on a Tuesday night? DAWG, SHE WORKS AT FUCKING TARGET. PEOPLE BUY THE CRAZIEST SHIT AT TARGET ON TUESDAY NIGHTS. Like, have you looked at anyone checking out at Target? Generally, you look over and see a twenty-something girl who is clearly obsessed with things in neon colors just buying all the lip gloss and hair ties in the entire universe, enough Sudafed to cook meth for everybody in the city and a copy Us Weekly. That, or you see a guy that clearly just murdered someone in their garage and is buying all the cleaning products necessary to cover  up the crime scene. So, tell me what's so wrong with being a normal dude just buying, like, four bags of Doritos, a 20oz Mountain Dew and a pack of condoms? SEE HOW INNOCUOUS THAT LOOKS COMPARED TO WALTER WHITE OVER IN AISLE 8?

Further, if you're having so much intercourse that you're literally running out of condoms left and right, you may need to slow down, champ. Have some respect for yourself and your health, my guy. It's not that cool to be a turbo slut. But let's say you've got some issues to work out. You were kinda chubby in college and now you have the money to hire a personal trainer and pay to have condoms sent to your apartment on a monthly basis AKA YOU ARE KILLING SHIT. I understand wanting to sow your wild oats all over the place, but you didn't get that sick 614 square foot apartment, corner cube and 2.5% raise by being a dummy. A box of 26 condoms costs, like, $20 on Google right now. 24 condoms from The Cocksman Club will cost you $20 a month. JUST COP THE BOX AND BE DONE WITH IT. That way you won't ever have to say, "Damn, my condom club doesn’t get delivered till the 8th. You mind running out to Target to get a sixer to hold us over?"

Honestly, I'm fucking exhausted of all these monthly package companies—ties, razors, grooming products, condoms, c'mon son. I don't literally don't need anything on a monthly basis except drugs and a paycheck, nah mean? For anything else I'll just roll out to Target and pick that shit up along with some Mountain Dew.

  • Tucci

    It’s like Dollar Shave Club… but for your cock

  • Carver Low

    *sow your wild oats.

    I feel you though. If you’re about the anonymous condom savings, hit up Amazon.