The Four Pins Guide To Overanalyzing Text Messages

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Sometimes texts can be confusing. A person might send a text with a particular implication attached, but the subtly gets lost in translation. She says, "Don’t contact me again or I’ll call the police," but what does she really mean, ya know?

Luckily, the scientists here at the Four Pins research and testing facility have conducted a few experiments to perhaps shed light on some of the more confusing messages you'll receive throughout your life. Here, you'll find the most commonly assumed misinterpretation of a particular phrase, as well as what the sender actually intended to say. Who’d have known "I’ll call the police" is just her way of playing hard to get? See, you’ve learned something already!

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

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“Oh wow, that's nuts!” - Not Haley

Your Translation: “Wow, you’re such an interesting and worldly person. I like to imagine each new thing you tell me is an immaculate, ripe piece of fruit filled with insight and brave perspective, ready for me to sink my teeth into. Please tell me more about season 3 of The X-Files.”

What She Actually Meant: “I stopped reading your text messages a long time ago. I’m literally on autopilot.”

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“no rly I dont care wut movie we see” - Hot Anti-Semite

Your translation: “I absolutely care what movie we see, but I’m going to be passive aggressive about it so that you’ll make the wrong choice and I’ll have an excuse to get mad at you because my hormones are all messed up. I want to see About Last Night.”

What she actually meant: “I want to see Winter’s Tale, but I bet you’ll choose About Last Night. So close, but no blowies tonight I’m afraid.”

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[no reply] - Medium Boobz

Your translation: “I obviously got kidnapped, Taken style. You could call the police, but you seem to me like the type of guy who has the particular set of skills necessary to rescue me. Take this into your own hands and be the hero the world has been waiting for you to become. First, break into my house by smashing through a window and checking the place for evidence.”

What she actually meant: [Her phone was in the other room. She didn’t see the text.]

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