Getting Out Of The Friend Zone

I never got to fuck Robyn. She effectively friend zoned me from fifth grade to the last time we hung out a few years ago. We made out for, like, 15 seconds my first weekend in college when she just so happened to be visiting campus to see her sister. She had a boyfriend and, as she put it, "It wasn't my time."

Even after she cut the make out session on my bed short, I was still convinced that this minor display of interest meant something, especially because I'd known her since I was 9 and, I don't know, was still trying eight years later, which had to be a sufficient enough declaration of love. I mean, we were such good friends. I just knew that she would come around and eventually realize that she loved me too. There was a time in middle school when we were so tight that people thought we were dating. But she always liked other guys. Finally, I thought, after this level of psychotic persistence, it is my time. This is what happens in college. This is when the tide turns. This is the delusional male ego at its peak.

We went out that night and I was 17 and it was still new and exciting to drink a lot and we passed out together on a couch at, like, 4am. I was really pathetically and desperately trying to initiate something physical with her, while also trying to not be a rapist. Even after the night we'd had, where we ran around like a couple—at least in my warped version of events—she consciously told me it wasn't going to happen and felt no remorse because, I mean, women don't have to show remorse in rejecting some sociopath. Regardless, it was still crushing to hear such an affirmative NO. It's not like I view sex as a prize or trophy earned for a fun night out. I'm just saying that after a night like that you think a girl likes you and when she doesn't it breaks your heart and fucks your head up.

After Robyn denied all of my advances—in recounting this, it almost feels like it didn't happen, which means I've probably subconsciously suppressed some part of it because it's so embarrassing—I definitely, like, cried and begged and professed my longstanding love for her as if that would somehow change her mind and walked out of her sister's apartment fucking sobbing and hyperventilating and completely defeated and even got curved on my thirsty ass last ditch attempt at a goodbye kiss. I was the deepest in the friend zone I'd ever been and it was sobering and awful and a testament to how efficiently the friend zone can ruin a man.

Sometimes you're just friends, but you both want a night out, a cuddle and an orgasm. Sometimes it's more.

I understand that the friend zone is this potentially dangerous concept. Some men get in this space of desperation where they feel entitled to women and that's not even remotely cool at all. It's important for dudes to get the fuck over their crushing rejection as soon as possible and either learn to love a girl as a friend or just move on if the only thing they can envision is a relationship. Like, I'll never condone dudes in the friend zone who pull the Nice Guy Card and go insane on women for not wanting to fuck them. You get, maybe, one drunk night as a 17-year-old to do that before you have to grow up and get it the fuck together. But in order to do that, you have to understand what you went through emotionally so you can learn from it.

You try to pick apart the scenario. You think, "Wow, she's always in the worst situations with other guys, but we have an amazing time together and she still doesn't want me? What did I do wrong that makes her not want to take it to the next level? If she thinks I'm ugly, can she just say that then?" More times than not, you have to move on. You can't operate under the pretense of friendship. It's like when Seth told Summer, "Maybe I just can't be just friends with you." It's dishonest.

You love her and she's beautiful and you get along incredibly. You will marry her this second. Why can't she imagine any of this? What's wrong with you? That's when you get spiteful. That's when you get all weird and motivated like, "I'm gonna get rich and famous and she's gonna see me on TV and realize that she made a huge mistake." The friend zone crumbles your dignity and turns you into a total fucking asshole and it's just never a good place to be. But, if you're lucky, you can get out of it.

It's crazy. For every Robyn, there's a friend who didn't feel you at first and then, the next thing you know, you're fucking. You slowly but surely learn how not to do dumb shit like cry and beg at 4 in the morning. You learn to stop thinking that it has to happen right away, and realize that even if things don't progress romantically after a few hangouts, it isn't necessarily completely ruled out in the future, assuming you're not a total creep, of course. And when that time finally arrives, you learn to just go for it and not talk so much. Sometimes you're just friends, but you both want a night out, a cuddle and an orgasm. Sometimes it's more. Either way, it happens a whole lot more when you're not an idiot kid who's been conditioned to think that women owe you something to the point that you fucking cry about it.

And it's tight once you cross that line, for both parties. I think everyone I know has fucked all of their friends. I could be wrong, but from what I've gleaned from my experiences and conversations, friends hook up pretty often. And, is it just me, or does it seem like the world needs that? Humans have this insatiable desire for love from another person and, for some reason, sex feels like the highest, most prolific acknowledgment of that. That's why guys sometimes want to be with girls who are just their friends, and, I would assume, that's why girls sometimes feel the same. And that's also why the friend zone can be so devastating. Master it or get out before you lose your mind.

Ernest Baker is a writer living in New York City. Follow him on Twitter here.

  • POPOVER KING

    Dang homie. Every writer at Four Pins is a douche, but I think you might be the worst offender. You write articles that always seem vulnerable and borderline psychopathic only to reveal you’re a totally insecure and seeking adoration from your fellow man. I’m here to read about some #menswear not some pathetic dude trying to humble brag about smashing some semi-attractive NYC hoes he occasionally spends time with and considers “friends”. Nobody cares how many girls you’ve been with bruh. Get over it and get over yourself.
    Xoxo Pop King

    • ernest baker

      I am vulnerable and psychopathic. You know what else? I don’t give a fuck. If you don’t like my articles stop reading them so you have an excuse to be upset about something like a bitter hoe. You’re mad that I can say whatever I want and people love it while you’re broke, posting anonymously when your whore mother lets you use the computer :)

      • POPOVER KING

        I’m broke? Dang Ernest, I’ve never heard a douche bag say that before, you must not be one. Thanks for clearing things up and proving me wrong :)

        • dude is a bitch

          You a bitch. Aint nothing wrong with this piece.

      • Gordon Richstone

        Jesus Christ grow up Ernie you sensitive little freak.

        • ernest baker

          The only growing up we acknowledge is in the chorus of Blink 182′s “Dammit.”

      • swag king kong

        did ernest just quote tupac off juice on that first line? you truly are the fuckin kanye of the journalism game. damn homie u bad

        • ernest baker

          You gotta snatch some collars and let them motherfuckers know you’re there to take them out anytime you feel like it.

          • swag king kong

            u r the goat of hip hop journalism. hit these niggaz man. peace from london

  • alex g.

    you know sloane eventually let cam hit like summer after sophomore year when they were both interning in nyc

    • ernest baker

      100%

  • larc

    true everyrhing. the only thing is that if they are such good friends, at some point they tell everyrhing to each other, even the hypothetical case of dating between themselves and why it wouldn t work. im in a current friend zone and i know exactly why we

    • larc

      wouldnt be “compatible”, we are really different; but i guess at some point humans tend to overcome all of this and the relationship is so profound and open and without secrets that the other person starts feeling some sort of connection or whatever, that makes him realize that you are the one he knows the most and feels more comfortable with. i think this might eventually happen.

      popover king u retard, learn how to read shit

      • bro

        waiting and wishing isnt a good strategy bro.

  • JulesStockdale

    Is this an excerpt from Elliot Rodger’s Manifesto?

    • Ghost Of Len Bias

      Nah, this is what would’ve saved those females. Calm down.

      • JulesStockdale

        calm yourself down, Playboy. Wake the fuck up and grow a pair.

        • Ghost Of Len Bias

          I’m definitely woke. This article is how “normal” people deal with rejection. A guy that kills girls for not giving him love could use some information like this..

      • t3chsupport

        Those random people who were killed? I can guarantee you that no matter what the women who turned that loser down felt after he snapped, one of them was relief that they had. That’s not who he killed though. He should have just killed himself.

  • t3chsupport

    Wow. How fucking pathetic. Elliot Roger, is that you? No one owes you shit. The reason you aren’t getting it (and I rubber call it “friend zoned”, because you are no more a friend to these women than a vulture is to a dying animal) is because you are needy, unstable, have an apparent entitlement complex, and bring little of actual value that they couldn’t easily get disagree l elsewhere without the baggage. If you just want sex, hire a hooker. It’s not that you’re just unattractive, it’s that you are actively being repulsive. Some women are also repulsive, and give no fucks about who’s feelings they are toying with, but you not only make yourself a prime target, you make their actions sound justified. Seek counseling.

    • ernest baker

      You’re legit mad about something I did eight years ago when I was 17. That’s so awesome. Also, you’re acting like I didn’t write 1000+ words about how pathetic that moment was. Fact is, I got plenty when I learned how repulsive I was being and grew up and changed my ways. But you didn’t read and just hopped in the comments sounding like an idiot. I love it.

      • t3chsupport

        I read the whole thing. Didn’t sound like you learned anything other than to “master the friend zone”, but that’s not getting it either. There is no friend zone. Sometimes friendships turn into something else, but if you are just treating it like a step toward sex, you aren’t really being their friend. Would you really think your own male friends were really your friend if you found out that they’re just biding their time until you give in and have sex with them?

        I also have no interest our obligation to read anything else you write, so I have no idea how old you are, or when you were in college. Regardless, you still miss the point.

        • http://twitter.com/jcfrancisco Carlo

          nowhere in the piece did the author imply that you should treat friendships as “a step toward sex,” just that the friends he knows have hooked up with each other, and that there’s nothing wrong with that. but obviously, there’s nothing wrong with NOT hooking up with your friends either; different friend groups have varying levels of incestuousness.

  • RawleyG

    Yo ernest, i liked to read this story allot. i’m not going to bitch about stuff like #menswear #menswearparodyblog, end.

  • Nerd

    ernie fuck these #menswear virgins dawgie i feel you. bless

  • Femdimes

    was gonna read, saw it was written by Ernest Baker, and just scrolled to the comments

  • steve

    i read the first paragraph and then proceeded to read the comments…the comments are a better read than the actual article

  • London Calling

    Why all the vitriol towards the writer? This was a good piece. Am I missing something?

  • Shaheena

    Life would be perfect if you lived inside my head and spoke for me whenever I need to vent

  • Jordan Baird

    Love reading your articles bro, while I always expect them to take a turn towards the pretentious and hipster-y end of the spectrum I’m always surprised how genuine they are. Keep at it bro, you’re a talented writer.

  • Trill Mister

    If drake worked at four pins his articles would be just like this.

  • laura

    the friend zone is a place that only exists in guys minds who think their entitled to women who spend time with them. verrrrrry creeeeeep

  • squatty

    bunch fags over at complex and 4pins

    • squatty

      also, go compensate for your lack of confidence with shitty streetwear

  • Marissa Ablack

    Gonna be 100% honest when I say this is the most relatable, well-written piece I’ve read on dating/relationships in a long time. You’ve got mad talent.

  • yeesh

    Look up fuckboy in the dictioary and you’ll see a picture of Ernest Baker.