How To Fake Your Manliness In 2014

Today, we live in a society with blurred gender norms. However, some men (insecure people like you and me) still seek to connect with their masculinity—their "manliness" if you will. But what is manliness, exactly? What makes up a real man?

Traditionally, "real men" have convictions, moral codes that they stand by: honor, pride, assertiveness, honesty. However, since you are a dickhead baby and embody none of these values, your best course of action is to, naturally, lie.

Lie about what, you ask? Well, everything of course. Lie about your appearance. Lie about your lifestyle. Lie about your name. Believe it or not, my real last name isn't even Rimer. It's actually Rhymes, but I changed it because I didn't want to associate myself with my estranged biological father, Busta.

Ahead, you'll find a convenient in depth guide of the best ways to fake your manliness in 2014, the year of our lord. If you follow these steps, you'll probably still be a little nancy boy, but at least you will have tried. And that's gotta count for something, right?

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

  • NP10

    Matt Rimer getting slightly funnier with time

  • Evo

    Not even remotely funny. C’mon.

  • nerd-182

    WHY DOES SULLY HAVE A CELTIC CROSS TATTOO? WHAT IS SULLY? A FREQUENT STORMFRONT POSTER?

  • WAVY

    OMG such a good and funny read thanks Buzzfeed!

  • Q

    Dead at “Paul Bunyan’s sassy friend Philippe”.

  • GAS_MAN

    Top notch humor

  • Rimer of the Ancient Badwriter

    Another massive swing and a miss for Rimer. Is this shit ironic? Like it’s so unfunny it’s funny, only literally nobody who reads the articles is in on the joke? The comments section are like a free focus group, Four Pins. Rimer articles are a gamble you lost, learn your audience. Rimer is that dude who still thinks it’s funny to say, “no homo,” guaranteed.

    I didn’t like this, is what I’m saying.

  • CiscoRock

    I could write better articles on my worse day…and english is my second language..not funny at all..

  • CiscoRock

    Matt Rimer, are you the guy that packs my bags at the supermarket?… you’re not a writer buddy..you suck!

  • squatty

    try again four pins

  • 7984

    Hahaha. 9 was the best.