The Four Pins Guide To Eternal Life

You don’t need a degree in Swagography to know that everybody wants to live forever. Non-death is way tighter than death. Plus, the longer you live, the more clothes you can wear and the more haters you can rack up to mercilessly stunt on. So, obvs, you should be wanting to live forever.

How does one outrun the constantly-accelerating specter of death that is constantly nipping at your heels? Until a few days ago, the only answers to that question were "try to be healthy" and "IDK bro, don’t jump in front of traffic and shit."

But then, something glorious happened.

Over the weekend, the New York Times reported on some bro named Alexander Imich, who, at 111 and 1/4-years-old, is officially the oldest man alive. While it's always cool to be known as the guy who's now logically closest to death, what separates Alex from the rest of us is that this dude was a scholar of the occult. Which, obviously, means that this dude definitely made a deal with the devil in exchange for eternal life.

What were the exact terms of this deal? And how did he summon the devil to make a deal with him in the first place? Fret not, dear reader, for I have shrunk myself down to the size of an ant, plunged down the sphincter of eternal life and returned knowing all of its secrets. I am now aware of the exact step-by-step process that Alexander Imich took to achieve his eternal life and I'm here to share it with you on this very website.

Drew Millard wrote this while gone off those Four Pins comments. You can read more of his work on Noisey and follow him on Twitter here.

  • YOLO the Mountain Goat

    who comes up with this stuff?

    • Bazooka Joe

      Jon Moy’s left nut.

  • Ghost Poop Johnson

    This was fucking wonderful 4Pins for President
    4P4P 2k16