Diamonds & Wood: The Universe Continues To Press Its Boot Into My Throat

"Diamonds & Wood" is an ongoing series in which music critic Shea Serrano breaks down the 5 hip-hop tracks you need to hear this week.

Yesterday it was 145 degrees in Houston, which is where my house is located, which means that's where I live, which means of course my air conditioner broke. I called a repair man to come take a look at it. The worst thing he could've said was that the compressor needs to be replaced, which basically means that the whole unit is shot, which basically means it'd cost (at the very least) $4500, which means of course that was wrong.

I was typing up a timeline of what was going on as it was happening and had planned on placing it here and I guess I still am, but it's not going to be near as accurate because while the A/C repairman was working the main circuit breaker decided it'd had enough of being a thing so it decided to go ahead and be fried and so then all of the power in the house went out and stayed out and everything I was typing was lost and so I'm just going to list the time for everything as 6:66pm because I'm pretty sure that this all happened because the Devil lives directly under my house and holy crap all of a sudden this sentence is more than 140 words. In your face, bitch ass English.

6:66pm: The power went out. It's really hot outside. Me, my wife, my twin sons and my baby son are all here. This is going to suck, Suck SUCK, MOTHERFUCKINGSUCKSUCKSUCK.

6:66pm: It's really hot. I think I might murder everyone in this house.

6:66pm: It's really hot. I'm probably going to murder everyone in this house.

6:66pm: It's really hot. I'm definitely going to murder everyone in this house.

6:66pm: It's really hot. I'm in the middle of murdering everyone in the house. Two dead, two to go.

6:66pm: It's really hot. All done murdering everyone in the house. It's still really hot.

6:66pm: It's really hot. And now the electricity just went out too. It's really dark. I might murder myself.

6:66pm: It's really hot. It's really dark. I'm probably going to murder myself.

6:66pm: It's really hot. It's really dark. I'm definitely going to murder myself.

6:66: It's really hot. It's really dark. I'm in the middle of murdering myself. This is not that easy (definitely less easy than murdering my family, which more physically troublesome than emotionally troublesome because Boy A is fast and Wife is stronger than you'd anticipate a 5'3" woman to be). Maybe I'll just watch Netflix instead.

6:66pm: It's really hot. It's really dark. Fuck. I forgot the power was out. No Netflix. I might murder myself. I'm probably going to murder myself. I'm definitely going to murder myself.

6:66pm: It's really hot. It's really dark. All done murdering myself. This is my ghost typing this. Hi, I'm Ghost Shea.

6:66pm: It's really hot. It's really dark. OH FUCK, I JUST REALIZED I'M THE REAL LIFE GHOST DAD.

6:66pm: It's really hot. It's really da...nevermind. I can't be Ghost Dad because Ghost Dad had a family that was alive. Dang. Should not have murdered everyone. Regretting that.

6:66pm: It's really hot. It's really dark. Everyone's dead. I'm dead. It's still really hot and it's still really dark. This was not that much fun. Being dead is not that much fun. I thought there'd be more walking on clouds and less nothingness and certainly less typing.

Have a safe weekend. Come to my viewing if you're free.

1. ProbCause, "LSD," featuring Chance the Rapper

If you have magic ears and eyes that let you ignore something just go ahead and deactivate them as ProbCause blathers on for a few minutes. Turn them back on when Chance the Rapper comes on because he is the tits and you sho...Oh shit, you're not gonna know when he comes on because your eyes and ears are turned off. Goddamn you, ProbCause. You win. Fuck.

2. Killa Kyleon, "My Nigga"

Sometimes Killa Kyleon calls himself Killa Gorilla and that's basically my favorite rap nickname of all. Fun things here.

3. Run The Jewels, "36'' Chain"

Dudebros, if you've not already, download Run The Jewels IMMEDIATELY. That shit is so clutch. It's in the Rap Tapes of the Year talk. Serio.

4. Freddie Gibbs, "Have U Seen Her," featuring Hit Skrewface

Cut and paste that sentence from about Run The Jewels and paste it here, but please replace "Run The Jewels" with "ESGN" because that's the name of Freddie Gibbs's tape and you better fucking believe it.

p.s. Hit Skrewface? All the high-fives for that name.

5. Dice Raw, "WAKE UP"

I was not expecting this to be as good as it is. Extra dope. Listen to it. Make sure you have your good boner underwear on because otherwise Out Of Control Boner, for sure.

Shea Serrano is a writer living in Houston, TX. His work has appeared in the Houston Press, LA Weekly, Village Voice, XXL, The Source, Grantland and more. You can follow him on Twitter here.

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  • bleh

    hmmm.. you americans act as if high temperatures are the end of the world, it’s winter here in South Africa and my lilly white ass has to endure 85 degrees+ without an a/c.. I usually look out for these D&W posts but SMH this was so booooorrrriiiinnnnngggg!