Diamonds & Wood: It’s Time To Buy New Clothes And I’ve Never Been Sadder, So I Wrote 20 Haikus About It

"Diamonds & Wood" is an ongoing series in which music critic Shea Serrano breaks down the 5 hip-hop tracks you need to hear this week.

It is so over.
I am sad about this, yes.
Sad. Summer. Goodbye.

Time to shop for clothes.
For work. I can't work naked.
Only time I shop.

I don't like shopping.
It is an utter nuisance.
My pants never fit.

They make me look fat.
Probably because I am.
They didn't use to. Dang.

My shirts never fit.
My torso has a weird shape.
It's a triangle.

Triangles are ugly.
Unless you're a pyramid.
I am not one though.

I am just a man.
A stupid, stupid-shaped man.
No one will blow me.

When I shop, it's dumb.
It's like I don't even try.
One time, I didn't.

I just grabbed some stuff.
Some skinny jeans? "Sure," I said.
Man, what a mistake.

I had no clue.
My balls never had a chance.
They were in prison.

Fucking pants prison.
31 in skinny jeans.
Nothing more ridic (ulous).

Do you even know?
I'd ask, "Do these jeans look dumb?"
Answer: Always yes.

I bought a shirt once.
My dad laughed and laughed and laughed.
"Are those clamps," he asked.

"Why's your shirt have clamps?"
They're not clamps, Dad. They're cool things.
"Cool has changed, I guess."

I bought pants with a stripe.
Like, a stripe right down the leg.
A fucking stripe, man.

I said, "Hey. Stripes. Cool."
When I put them on, Wife: "Nope."
Stripes are in season.

"Yeah, I guess you're right.
Let me ask you a question:
You're a zebra, now?"

My whole frigg'n life.
But especially now, bro.
I just don't get clothes.

So but here we go.
Four pair of pants. Four shirts too.
And two pair of shoes.

Four hundred dollars.
Wasted on clothes. Or, rather:
Waisted on clothes. // Frump.

1. Future, "Honest"

The urge here is to just make a bunch "…I'm just being honest" jokes. There are probably 900,000 other writers that are doing—or have already done—that exact thing. The same thing happened with his "Same Damn Time"song. That probably means something. I don't know.

BTW, I spent four hours writing those haikus. Now everything I write I'm writing it in that same cadence. Same thing happened after I listened to Future's "Karate Chop". That probably means something too. I don't know there either.

Sorry for not knowing so much stuff.

2. Dustin-Prestige, "Phantoms"

This is a talented dudebro. In fact:

3. Dustin-Prestige, "Better Late Than Never"

See? Talented dudebro.

4. Drake, "Hold On, We're Going Home"

I probably listened to it 30 times this week. I wish that was an exaggeration. It's not. My ovaries are hella swollen. I love it.

5. Kirko Bangz, "Cup Up, Top Down"

Kirko is the first legit rap star from Houston since its big 2005. He's actually considerably more likable than his glasses would have you believe. He's also shorter too. I remember being surprised that I was able to look at him flat in his eyeballs the first time I met him. I wish all rappers we're tall. I'm not sure why.

Sidebar: Z-Ro is, to be clear, a Houston rap legend. He's basically like what E-40 is to the Bay or what Big L is to Harlem. He should've been super famous A FUCKING LONG time ago. The universe is the worst.

Second sidebar: I received an advance copy of Ro's new album, which is the first album he's been in control of for about a decade (he's been under Rap-A-Lot's thumb). It is beautiful.

Shea Serrano is a writer living in Houston, TX. His work has appeared in the Houston Press, LA Weekly, Village Voice, XXL, The Source, Grantland and more. You can follow him on Twitter here.

Tags