Cuff Responsibly: A Sensible Human’s Thoughts On PDA

It's hard to hear your girl say some shit like, "You don't even hit on me when we're out. You treat me like some girl you're hooking up and then you just expect me to have sex with you?" That’s a misconception. We all know that when you hang out with a girl who you're not into, there's little to no affection by comparison. You almost always keep your distance and, if need be, you're ready and willing to wear a sign that reads: "We’re Not Dating" so that no one gets it twisted. So, in contrast to that, when you respond by telling your girl that you actually show her plenty of attention in public, you're not telling a lie, but you know what she means. You're not one of those thirstbuckets who desperately clings to his girl at every waking moment, but, damn, it doesn't mean that you're not down for her.

If women are looking to gauge a guy's interest level, they must first consider the exorbitant amounts of money men spend when they're into someone. It's not that money equates love or acts as a stand in for romance, it's just that you send a girl you don't care about home on the subway. When you legitimately fuck with a particular woman's whole aura and essence, the fact that you're gonna have the Uber sent to her crib is affection. And it's not like you're keeping a running tab with her name on it because you’re not even thinking twice about it. You’re just trying to have a good time and be a gentleman and facilitate the turn up regardless of the toll it takes on your pockets. Side note: That's why it's important to have a good job and shit in the first place. What did you expect? You explicitly chose to ignore Lil Wayne’s revered fiscal advice of "Fuck bitches, get money." Okay, so you're on more of a "love bitches, spend money" wave, but, mind you, Weezy also just said, "Stop stuntin'. If you're ballin', buy your bitch something." Even he knows that tricking cash on a woman you love is a glorious and heartwarming thing.

Granted, it doesn't matter how many dinner checks you pick up, you're still a cornball if you're dating a girl and not occasionally about that OD cuddle game. But girls have to understand that you cannot be on that shit all the time, and it doesn't mean you love them any less. Holding hands for a long ass time is, quite frankly, uncomfortable as fuck. Not only is it wild cumbersome on a crowded street, but it's like, wow, I'm my own human and I respect the fact that you're your own human and I think we can conquer this sidewalk separately, but united. Plus, I want to check my phone to see if my latest tweet went platinum.

Bros who are slobbing all over their significant other at every conceivable moment are the ones who make this shit an uphill battle for the rest of us. I'd like to file a motion that encourages all the dudes in happy relationships to turn down and stop setting unrealistic expectations for the wifed up bystanders caught in your cutesy blast radius. Chill with the subway make outs that might have my chick feeling inadequate because we're only standing there, having the rare convo.

I guess some of us are just more independent to the point that we never completely submit ourselves to another person, but you need to toe that line lest wifey catch those easily offended feels.

And listen, I'm all about love. Lock lips wherever you damn please. I'm going to do it too if I feel the need, but it has to be authentic. Make it a moment of passion. I can tell you motherfuckers making out for 20 minutes in the theater after a movie ends are bored as fuck, doing this shit because it's routine and you're codependent, and you're really fucking it up for the sensible humans out here trying to live realistically. Listen, I just legit spent $70 at the concession stand casually and had wifey snacking comfortably for the entire duration of the flick, but now I look like a fucking chump because I was gonna wait until the back of the cab to go hard in the paint.

I guess some of us are just more independent to the point that we never completely submit ourselves to another person, but you need to toe that line lest wifey catch those easily offended feels. Like, if you spend all your time and money and fun ideas and accomplishments on impressing your girl and making her feel like she won some type of make believe contest by dating you, it's very detrimental to your homie who is essentially just trying to fuck his girl on the couch. And, chill, no one's being a standoffish, jealous prick here. I'm not saying that a couple should ever tone it down because it makes other people uncomfortable. Live your life. Do your thing. I just wish that there was a more widely acknowledged understanding of the best times and places for a strong public display of affection. We can all exist outside of our relationships too, ya know?

There are even moments when I'm very down for you heavy PDA miscreants, but it's not always gonna be that way. Of course, when you fuck it's gotta be passionate and amazing and you have no choice but to hold her hand sometimes and you can’t treat your girl the way you treat ugly girls when you hang out with them, but it's not all about appeasing HER every whim either. When you care about a girl, you’re proud of that shit. You wanna have signals you can send to the world like, "Yeah, that’s my chick," but that doesn’t mean you have to be a stage five clinger with it. Even if we're not holding hands, best believe I'm still giving dudes who even think they can holler that vicious eye contact like, "Get all the way the fuck outta here forever, homie."

Would your girl even really respect you if I you were her fucking serf, waiting on hand and foot? Beck and call? No, you want her laying back like Patricia Arquette in True Romance, looking at Christian Slater finesse the coke deal, wild in love, scribbling “You’re So Cool” on a sheet of paper, over and over. 'Cause that's when you know it's real.

  • sipping carefully

    add a coffee to that sidewalk holding hands situation and you are fucked

  • NP10

    ” I respect the fact that you’re your own human and I think we can conquer this sidewalk separately, but united. Plus, I want to check my phone to see if my latest tweet went platinum.”

    Hilarious and on point

  • RegOldCollins

    the fact you used that scene in True Romance to cap this off makes it perfection. That’s the type of shit make dudes wanna spend ALL their earnings.