You Will Never Be As Important As This Socialite-Bedding Bowery Hotel Scenester

Would you like to be reminded of your minute impact on the universe today? Especially as compared to an inanimate object who has been cloned several times over and can be purchased out of a minibar? No?

Too late. There is now a gallery of photos that is definitive and crucial proof of how sad and pathetic your relevance is in proportion to any effort you make of it, as evidenced by this Teddy Bear, named Bo, who has officially been designated "The Chicest Bear in Fashion", and has been Instagrammed by models, who sleep with it when they stay at The Bowery Hotel, because it lives that life. This bear is "up to its tufted ears in high-class trim," we are told from a source familiar with the situation.

Here it is smutting it up for Pixie Geldof, spread eagle.

Here it is drying off from what is obviously post-bear on-creative-projects-director-for-Nordstrom coitus, or post-bear-on-buyer-for-Matches-shower-nastiness.

Here it is acting like it has to keep them off the D with a stick.

Here it is beckoning another groupie to the dresser—you know why.

That doesn't mean Bo's life is necessarily one you want. For one thing, Bowery Hotel owner/disgraceful bear pimp Sean MacPhearson told The Cut that Bo is androgynous, and unless you're one of those "progressive" fashion bros who can hit from both sides of the plate, you might not be built for that life fam. It has to run script lines with socialites, and if you know anything about socialites, you know they all want to be actresses which is tough because most of them have never acted like anything but capital B-Basics, full stop. Also, you say no to ratchet houseguests. Bo. The. Bear. Can't.

That said, Bo can be used to your advantage as a wingman, at the low-low cost of $425 a night, for the cheapest room at The Bowery Hotel. And even that is no assurance that you won't be seen as a creepster who rents rooms with free teddy bears to attempt to bed socialites, which almost inevitably, you will be seen as.

The point is that your life is insignificant and meaningless as rendered by the readily available empirical evidence that a teddy bear will get more attention in the universe than you ever will.

It's too bad there's no reward for coming to terms with accepting this.

  • Ho Malone

    we all know Nick Wooster is the chicest bear in fashion