First of all, before we get down to business, Bounty, the quicker picker upper? FUCK that noise. We need Bounty’s Wazzaaaaaaap?! Who amongst you has the courage to create Bounty’s Wazzaaaaaaap?! moment? It's 2014 and people love irony, so it could literally just be an anthropomorphized Bounty paper towel roll saying, "Wazzaaaaaaap?!" Preferably, you'll think bigger, though.
All right then, let's get started. You're here because you're the best of the best. You are the giants of tomorrow. You are strong, powerful beings, capable of anything and everything. You are the Bounty Paper Towels social media team.
First off, I don't want anyone working on "ads" anymore. Ads are the past. Memes are the future. Ads are just dumb pictures with big dumb words on them. Memes are, uh, memes are the future, like I said.
Now then, the tweets. Young people respond well to tweets that could have been written by someone their own age. "Wow," they’ll say, "the paper towel company tweeted 'bae.' It's funny because that's not what I would expect a paper towel company to tweet." That's essentially the extent of the joke, but if Bounty is good at one thing, it's wringing shit dry.
Your goal should be to have your tweet end up in some Huffington Post next-day bullshit awards show summary so people at work can look through a list of basic-ass pop culture barbs and be like, "Hey, I'm going to use the brand of paper towels that made fun of Kanye's sunglasses or whatever."
If you'll look up at the screen, you'll see some example tweets. If you follow these simple guidelines, I guarantee we'll hit 10,000 followers within the week, at least 10 of which will be verified. People see a blue checkmark interacting with a paper towel brand and they'll be like, "Damn, I need to know what the deal is with these paper towels if they're holding their own in a witty repartee with a Salon contributor."
Got all that? Good. One more thing: Don't be afraid to skirt controversy. Tweet something like, "Bounty salutes the troops. Too bad we can't wipe away all wars with our super-absorbent DuraTowels!" You'll get people retweeting that shit ironically, people retweeting that shit angrily and you'll eventually have to delete that shit and make an apology, but in the end it'll all be worth it because Business Insider will write an article about it. Now go forth, young warriors. Go forth and tweet about paper fucking towels.
Stefan J. is a writer living in Vancouver. You can read his personal blog here and follow him on Twitter here.
