Adam Levine’s Guide To Life In General

Adam Levine is not like you and me. He is the lead singer of your mom’s favorite band (when Train doesn’t have a new single out). He’s a judge on NBC’s The Voice, the main conceit of which is that it allows fat people and old people and people with piercings to sing on TV before revealing their faces and body types to Christina Aguilera (Hey Shakira, good luck filling that gigantic ass print). He dates Victoria’s Secret Angels and probably shares jeans with them. He’s allegedly got moves like Jagger.

All of this affords Levine a luxurious lifestyle that is only an unattainable dream to 99% of American males.

Yes, Adam Levine lives in a different world. Possibly a different time, too, as he recently told Refinery 29 that he takes first dates to McDonalds while in black tie on the regular and yet manages to do so without catching the attention of the ever-watchful Hollywood gossip press.

OK, guy. Whatever you say.

Believability aside, Levine, whom Refinery fascinatingly refers to as “among the most naked guys on the Internet,” is totally sold on the wacky idea of taking a girl you barely know, putting on a tux and hitting the Dollar Menu hard.

“It’s a good, spontaneous, romantic thing you can do that’s also cost-effective,” he said. It’s true! If I were to make a Venn Diagram of Good, Spontaneous and Cost-Effective Things, there would just be a picture of Levine in the middle, sucking down a McFlurry in coattails.

If his go-to plan for a first date is any indication, then Levine must be chock-full of good life advice and enough thoughtful gems to fill a volume of Chicken Soup for the Nasal-Voiced Celebrity Soul. With that said, I am pleased to present, in his own words, Adam Levine’s Guide to Life in General.

Steve Dool is a writer based in New York City. Follow him on Twitter.

  • Logan

    lmao hilarious

  • Jamie

    Love it

  • DEEJAY ASFX

    WAHAHAHAHHA

  • Henny

    ALL HAIL FOUR PINS

  • http://twitter.com/Vanna_Huot Vanna Huot I’m Gay

    Adam Levine is probably the hottest creature on planet hurt. I’d let him hurt me more than once and any where he wants it. Damn, this dude is gorgeous.

  • Themediabull

    nice

  • laurel

    You sound bitter and jealous — talk about subjective writing. Don’t quit your day job.

  • ‘dam levine trying 2 be cool

    ALL HAIL FOUR PINS!

  • rke

    Green is not your color, Steve Dool.