Is 2014 the year of Mark Wahlberg? The short answer is: Yes. The long answer is: Yes, definitely. Wahlberg has a ridiculous SEVEN movies coming out this year, starting with Transformers: Age of Extinction, in which talking robot trucks are the second least believable things behind his playing an inventor. These seven films showcase his incredible range, from a tough-as-nails everyman to a down-on-his-luck average Joe. The Year of the Wahlberg is here, and it's going to be freakin' ridiculous.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, July 11th
APE SOLDIER 1: We found him in the forest.
APE SOLDIER 2: He said he was looking for supplies.
CAESAR: Go. Leave him with me.
WAHLBERG: You freakin' serious here with this? Monkeys talkin' English?
CAESAR: Who sent you?
WAHLBERG: You're killin' me with this circus shit. You gonna ride around on a trike next? Jesus.
Stoner Dad, August 1st
SETH ROGEN: Just take a hit. What's the worst that could happen?
WAHLBERG: Listen, guys, I'm a father, first and foremost. I ain't smokin' that shit.
JONAH HILL: Just do it, pussy.
WAHLBERG: This is freakin' ridiculous. I mean, I-I-I-I just, what about Kendra? She's gonna wake up from her nice lil nap, see her Daddy goin' apeshit on pot? Not happenin'. Sorry, guys.
MARTIN STARR: [deadpan] Well, this is a drag.
Finding Nemo 2: Return to Finding Nemo, August 8th
DORY: We have to find Nemo…again.
WAHLBERG: Y'know, if I was there, would Nemo have gone missin' in the first place? No freakin' way. I woulda been all [VARIOUS MARTIAL ARTS NOISES]. Shown 'em who's the freakin' boss.
HIGH TURTLE: Righteous, dude.
Nicholas Sparks' The Sad Relationship, September 12th
BLAKE LIVELY: This relationship we have…it's a sad one.
WAHLBERG: You gotta be fuckin' with me here. Sad? This relationship? Freakin' unbelievable, the shit I have to put up with.
LIVELY: We can get through this together.
WAHLBERG: I gotta go fight in the freakin' Vietnam War now or some shit, and you throw this on my plate. Christ.
The Coen Bros. Present: The Bris, October 3rd
WAHLBERG: I gotta cut off his freakin' dick? You kiddin' me with this shit?
JOHN TURTURRO: Rabbi, surely you've performed a circumcision before?
WAHLBERG: [eyes widen incredulously, he gives a tight-lipped smile] I ain't doin' it. I ain't touchin' a baby’s dick.
Witness Protection Santa, December 5th
SANTA: Is there a reason you've stopped working, little elf?
WAHLBERG: Yeah, this shit is freakin' stupid. You think I give a flyin' fuck about makin' toys? They put me in the witness protection program and send me up to this cold shithole? I shoulda stayed in Boston. I'd rather deal with the mob than this gahbage.
SANTA: Sounds like somebody might find his name on the naughty list.
WAHLBERG: Go fuck yahself.