2014: The Year Of The Wahlberg

Is 2014 the year of Mark Wahlberg? The short answer is: Yes. The long answer is: Yes, definitely. Wahlberg has a ridiculous SEVEN movies coming out this year, starting with Transformers: Age of Extinction, in which talking robot trucks are the second least believable things behind his playing an inventor. These seven films showcase his incredible range, from a tough-as-nails everyman to a down-on-his-luck average Joe. The Year of the Wahlberg is here, and it's going to be freakin' ridiculous.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, July 11th

APE SOLDIER 1: We found him in the forest.

APE SOLDIER 2: He said he was looking for supplies.

CAESAR: Go. Leave him with me.

WAHLBERG: You freakin' serious here with this? Monkeys talkin' English?

CAESAR: Who sent you?

WAHLBERG: You're killin' me with this circus shit. You gonna ride around on a trike next? Jesus.

Stoner Dad, August 1st

SETH ROGEN: Just take a hit. What's the worst that could happen?

WAHLBERG: Listen, guys, I'm a father, first and foremost. I ain't smokin' that shit.

JONAH HILL: Just do it, pussy.

WAHLBERG: This is freakin' ridiculous. I mean, I-I-I-I just, what about Kendra? She's gonna wake up from her nice lil nap, see her Daddy goin' apeshit on pot? Not happenin'. Sorry, guys.

MARTIN STARR: [deadpan] Well, this is a drag.

Finding Nemo 2: Return to Finding Nemo, August 8th

DORY: We have to find Nemo…again.

WAHLBERG: Y'know, if I was there, would Nemo have gone missin' in the first place? No freakin' way. I woulda been all [VARIOUS MARTIAL ARTS NOISES]. Shown 'em who's the freakin' boss.

HIGH TURTLE: Righteous, dude.

Nicholas Sparks' The Sad Relationship, September 12th

BLAKE LIVELY: This relationship we have…it's a sad one.

WAHLBERG: You gotta be fuckin' with me here. Sad? This relationship? Freakin' unbelievable, the shit I have to put up with.

LIVELY: We can get through this together.

WAHLBERG: I gotta go fight in the freakin' Vietnam War now or some shit, and you throw this on my plate. Christ.

The Coen Bros. Present: The Bris, October 3rd

WAHLBERG: I gotta cut off his freakin' dick? You kiddin' me with this shit?

JOHN TURTURRO: Rabbi, surely you've performed a circumcision before?

WAHLBERG: [eyes widen incredulously, he gives a tight-lipped smile] I ain't doin' it. I ain't touchin' a baby’s dick.

Witness Protection Santa, December 5th

SANTA: Is there a reason you've stopped working, little elf?

WAHLBERG: Yeah, this shit is freakin' stupid. You think I give a flyin' fuck about makin' toys? They put me in the witness protection program and send me up to this cold shithole? I shoulda stayed in Boston. I'd rather deal with the mob than this gahbage.

SANTA: Sounds like somebody might find his name on the naughty list.

WAHLBERG: Go fuck yahself.

Stefan J. is a writer living in Vancouver. You can read his personal blog here and follow him on Twitter here.

  • squatty

    dumb as woolf