2014 March Madness Preview

Not since the first March Madness in 44 BC, when 7th seeded Brutus came from behind to upset top seed Julius Caesar, has there been this kind of excitement surrounding the annual tournament. Most of this excitement can be attributed to the powers that be deciding to expand the field from 68 to 2,048 teams. That's right, before we even reach the Sweet Sixteen, players and fans will have to contend with the Wearisome 1,024, the Forgettable 512 and the Tepid 256. College basketball purists have unanimously derided this idea as "insanely stupid" and "really poorly thought out," as well as "like, come on, for real," and "are you fucking serious, you dumb fucks?" But are there merits to the inclusion of thousands of mediocre to terrible teams? The NCAA thinks so. At a press conference today, the President of the NCAA made cash register noises for several minutes and repeated the phrase "money in the bank," like, eight times. Here are just a few of the teams you can look forward to watching in this year's edition of March Madness:

The University Of Guys Who Are Unaware That Everyone At Their Job Hates Them

-Don't count out this team. They just don’t know when to quit!

Orlando Community College & Sex Emporium

-The Fighting Fleshlights' games will not be televised.

The University of Drowning

-Most experts believe this team is in over their heads.

The College They Advertise During The Steve Wilkos Show

-In tough against their first round matchup and hated rivals, The Dental Hygienist School You See Commercials For During Maury All The Time.

The University of 2014 NCAA Tournament Champions

-Yeah, nice try guys.

The University of Terrible Bullet Point Jokes

-Big fan of this team for some reason.

Satan's Dickhole A&M

-Satan's Dickhole is a town of 3 people where basketball is illegal.

The University of The Basketball Scene From Flubber

-Haha, oh man. They're bouncing really high up! Crazy. Normally, basketball players don't jump that high, right? This is wild. Great fun for the whole family!

The Dunksville Dunkstitute of Dunkology

-This team has somehow harnessed the unholy ancient power of the Dunk Crystal, and is using it to unleash some of the most horrifying dunks in recorded history. They once threw down a dunk so ferocious that the basketball literally travelled back in time and hit James Naismith in the dick.

Gamer U—Sponsored by Mountain Dew® Code Red™—Game On!

-Find a code in every bag of Doritos® Dew Soaked Shit Chips™! Every 100 codes entered online will give Gamer U 2 points in their first round game! Mountain Dew® Gamer Fuel™: It's The Fuel…For Gamers!™

Terminally Ill German Shepherd University

-The only educational institution in the country founded, staffed and attended entirely by terminally ill German Shepherds. Not expected to advance beyond the first round, but definitely expected to advance beyond the rainbow bridge.

I should preface this article by saying that I don't know anything about basketball, and that I also don't know what "preface" means. March Madness starts fairly soon. Probably in March, would be my guess. Enjoy the games!

Stefan J. is a writer living in Vancouver. You can read his personal blog here and follow him on Twitter here.

  • connor

    Holy shit someone call life alert LMFAOOO