21 Surefire Ways To Make Internet Commenters Butthurt

Take a moment and imagine the behind-the-scenes process of Internet blogging. There are, of course, the writers and the editors, as well as the art departments. But the real driving force behind the product? The people that put in the most work and have the greatest overall impact? The often forgotten about true champions of this business: the commenters. The warriors in the comment section are a people whose value is unparalleled. They keep the proverbial wheel of progress turning with their divine insight and inventive spirit.

They offer sage advice like, "No one will miss you when you’re dead" and, "Your entire life is hot garbage" and, "This is your father. I wanted to tell you that you are the real reason your mother and I got divorced when you were 10." While commenters only account for a small percentage of any site's total readership, they represent 100% of their voice whether the silent majority likes it or not. And what better person to be the voice of the masses than a dude reading on his phone while he pinches a loaf in a Friendly's restroom?

If you write on the Internet like me, you probably face the universal problem of appeasing these comment section gods. Luckily, I've provided a list of 21 bad habits to stay away from when writing for the Internet, so you can avoid upsetting these passionate folks.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

  • Ike

    Wow, great article as always, I’m a big fan of four-pins, but you did make a minor grammatical error.

    • B

      I see you homie. ;)

  • The Mayor

    #22: Write a post like this.

    • Bazooka Joe

      Quit trying to be funny.

      • The Mayor

        Says the ashole who posted this: “I searched for: Adrianne Ho. please do not disturb me for the next three hours.”

  • B

    Alright Matt, now you may sit at the cool kids’ table with Jon.

  • michael

    how is ‘differences’ even mentioned in a hypothetical which song is better. :|

  • Guest

    matt rimer the type on nigga to not even show up on google instant then tell us we wanna be him and have his job

    #YouAintLawrenceTho

  • Will.I.Am

    Slide 12 shoulda been Will.I.Am

  • Mr. Popo

    typing this butt naked sorry

  • submissive

    This list makes my butt hurt.

  • Guest

    yo wtf kneega how du i maek mi account doe

  • Rimer of the Ancient Badwriter

    Call to the “silent majority” of readers who actually enjoy Rimer articles (lol): Why not post some comments and let us know? You can use any social network account to comment or sign up for Disqus, or even post as a guest. The only possible barrier would be not having internet and then how would you even be a reader? I can’t imagine why you don’t stand up for him already since, as Rimer knows, you definitely exist and we’re all just jealous of his a-list celebrity status.

  • Emily Lever

    Good article but the first reason on this list should have been: be a woman.