The 20 Types Of People You’ll Meet In Hell

Let's face it, you're a shitty person. And you're definitely going to hell. It's pretty much a given at this point and we're not here to waste breath debating that fact. Rather, today we'll be focusing on the many different types of people you'll meet when you finally set up tormented afterlife shop.

You're probably thinking that you'll find the usual suspects—murderers, rapists, adulterers—and you couldn't be farther from the truth. No, the real despicable sinners destined to be cast into a molten pit of eternal damnation have committed far worse atrocities. Let's get to know your new neighbors.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

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  • guest

    21. Matt Rimer

  • WAVY

    Shout out Slow Dayz Matt for always getting the shitty assignments

  • Dee Jay

    Why so cynical?

  • Vern Lee Ford

    Who better then hov tho??? And if you say lil Wayne you should kill yourself…

    • WAVY

      These hipsters would prolly say Keef or Young Thug smfh… They hate on Jay coz his swag but don’t get half his bars I swear. Meanwhile they’re on Kanye Kardashian’s tip coz his leather pants bruh don’t even try to understand these Connecticut cats

      • Brian Andrew Smith

        ha, hate on jay because of his swag? nah. get only half of his bars? nah. half (not really half but you know) of his bars are biting biggie lines. hell 99 problems is an ice-t song. foh

        • WAVY

          You only get half a bar

          • DD

            Win

          • WAVY

            Hahahaha did you see his reply? The irony of this breaks my brain! Let’s not even break it down for him this ctfu this shit is too funny

          • Brian Andrew Smith

            hate to break it to ya homie but jay’s rhymes aren’t that deep and complex that they are hard to understand. that is every jay-z all the way to lupe stan’s excuse for not like something, oh its because you don’t get what they’re saying, you only understand half of the bars. his rhymes go over your head.

            If you really think that his lines are so dope they go over most people’s head than i for bad for you simple ass brain.

          • WAVY

            (…) cause people from a distance can’t tell who is who

          • Brian Andrew Smith

            so all of your responses are going to be lines from takeover?

          • WAVY

            Lol way too late Brian just take the L graciously. You’re a real rap genius tho.

          • Brian Andrew Smith

            so you’re clever because you quote word for word what jay-z has to said, then you try your own little hand at some word play with that corny as line about rap genius. *slow clap*

  • Laf

    This is actually hilarious I can’t tell which slides are legit and which are fuckery, I assume 95% fuckery.

  • Sugar Bear

    -Lucky for that asshole its always hot in hell-
    that was definitely the line of the day for me.

  • Bec Lowe

    Yo, I have some constructive crticism. Could you not use “he” and other male-gendered pronouns as universal? I notice that you only use she when it’s specifically related to a women (as sex objects and a pregnant mother). We can use “they” in English as a genderless pronoun. Also, you should probably examine how your satire is gendered.

    • Zvne

      “They” as a pronoun is grammatically incorrect for a singular subject. Technically, it would need to be “he/she” for each pronoun. Not worth the effort.

      • Brian Andrew Smith

        well technically *pushes glasses up with index finger* the word they can be used both as a singular and a plural pronoun in a grammatically correct way.

      • Bec Lowe

        Technically, and in every other way, you’re wrong. Also grammar and language is fluid and is constantly changing. To cite grammatical error as a reason to not advance equality is quite regressive.

    • Jomi

      Agreed. Also, props for being respectful about it.

    • Rimer

      MESSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR:

      I don’t normally respond to the comment section but I feel like I need to give my opinion here. The traditional grammatical understanding is that “they” is incorrect for a singular subject and [that he or she] or [he] or [she] should be used. This is how it was taught to me when I was in school. Even the SAT’s have a lot of questions like this in which “they” is an incorrect answer when addressing a singular subject. Personally, I use “he” in this situation because “he or she” messes up the profluence of the sentence. I think I do it that way because the masculine is gender neutral in a lot of romantic languages. That being said, after reading this comment I looked into it and “they” is starting to become more widely accepted to refer to singular subjects in the past decade (even though it makes no sense because “they,” by definition, represents two or more people). The problem is that there is no word in the English language that is both gender neutral and singular. I think we need to invent a new word, y’all. In regard to my future writing, I will split the difference: I’m going to use “they” in more casual writing like this and use “he” or “she” or “he or she” in formal writing. Is everybody happy? Good. Now go away.

  • Luc

    S/o the gawd Matt Rimer…the pinz Jerry Gergich

  • DD

    Why they hatevJay though?? These fuck niggas i swear man. He can still coke through and eat.(i.e. We Made It).