20 Disturbing Things You Didn't Realize About Christmas Movies As A Kid

Christmas is just around the corner and you know what that means: Time for me to ruin all of your favorite childhood memories with a nifty little list. When you find out all the nasty, depressing and sometimes even terrifying things that were going on in these classic Christmas movies, you’re going to feel shittier than the time your parents got you a vibrator because they thought it was a back massager. Proceed at your own risk, weary Internet travelers. You have been warned.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

How The Grinch Stole Christmas: The Grinch Has Coronary Artery Disease

At the end of this holiday classic, the Grinch has successfully stolen everyone’s decorations and gifts, and believes that he has ruined Christmas. But when he sees that the Whos of Whoville have continued to celebrate and spread joy, he has a change of attitude. He sees the true meaning of Christmas and his heart grows three sizes. Unfortunately, the spirit of Christmas does not psychically affect a person’s vital organs. In reality, the Grinch most likely has Coronary Artery Disease, the #1 killer of men and women in the United States, and probably Grinches too. Does whosurance cover pre-existing conditions?

The Santa Clause: Tim Allen Straight Up Kills A Guy

A little while after Tim Allen was released from prison for possession of a pound and a half of cocaine, he starred in The Santa Clause. In this film, Allen’s character, Scott Calvin, becomes Santa Clause after the old one disappears. How does he disappear? Calvin fucking kills Santa by screaming at the top of his lungs while the jolly old man fumbles about on the roof. Calvin’s son, Charlie comes outside to see his magical hero gasping his last breaths before the internal bleeding takes him to hell. Manslaughter or not, Calvin doesn’t even call the police or anything. He just puts on the man’s suit and steals his job and identity. It’s like some fucked up Highlander shit. SANTA: THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: Your Parents Are Into Role-Play, Kid

Good thing this child walked in on her dad wearing a Santa costume and not something worse. If it had been one week earlier, he probably would have been on all fours with an apple in his mouth while she slapped him on the ass with a ruler.

Home Alone: Buzz’s Girlfriend Is Actually A Dude

I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Kevin McAlister, the child who was forgotten and left behind, while his family chilled in Paris and checked out French babes who “don’t shave their pits” probably because I was left behind at countless K-Marts and screenings of D2: The Mighty Ducks as a child. But least I didn’t have a dickhole brother named Buzz like he did. In one scene, Kevin is rummaging through Buzz’s shit, probably trying to find some weed or a pocket pussy or something, when he stumbles upon a photo of his gross fat girlfriend. Turns out it’s actually a dude with a wig on in the photo. Woof!

A Charlie Brown Christmas: Whites Only

In this lovable cartoon, the whole gang shows up: Schroeder, Sally, Pig-Pen, Violet, and even some obscure motherfuckers like Shermy and Frieda (Charles Schultz killed them both off a few years later). Oh, and let’s not forget about Franklin. OH WAIT, FRANKLIN ISN’T IN THIS MOVIE. For those of you who don’t know, Franklin is the resident black person of the Peanut’s gang, and pretty much the only non-white character in the show’s history, unless you count Woodstock, and he’s straight up a bird. To make things worse, this movie had an all jazz soundtrack. Do you know who invented jazz? Black people. Now I know what they meant when they called it a “white Christmas.” Okay, so technically this special came out in 1965 and Franklin wasn’t introduced until 1968, but I still hold to my original argument that Charles Schultz was racist because this is the Internet and it’s my civic duty to call everything racist.

A Christmas Story: The Child Actor Who Played Flick Actually Got His Tongue Stuck To That Pole (And Then Did Porn)

If your family is anything like mine, only one movie plays on repeat throughout the course of the day: A Christmas Story. One of the more famous scenes involves the character Flick sticking his tongue to a flagpole in response to a dare from his schoolyard buddies. What you may not know is that child actor Scott Schwartz actually had his tongue frozen to the goddamn metal when filming. Director Bob Clark was like, "Fuck this kid," and kept filming to the dismay of the screaming child. Some time later, Schwartz, now an adult, had his own “pole tongued” when he starred in classics like Scotty’s X-Rated Adventure.

The Year Without Santa Claus: The Heat Miser Is Satan

Think about it. This dude lives in a fiery cavern underground, he’s got a bunch of little minions that do as he says and he’s a total dickhead. He just gets off on making people miserable. Totally Satan.

Home Alone 2: Lost In New York: Kevin’s Parent Are Exceptionally Irresponsible

Hello Mr. and Mrs. McAlister, my name is Clark and I’m from Child Protective Services. Why don’t you have a seat…

White Christmas: Bing Crosby Was Probably Shitfaced The Whole Time

Those rosy cheeks aren’t from the cold. Bing Crosby was an alcoholic who could barely keep his eyes open. He was “Swinging On A Star” because he couldn’t support his own weight.

Jingle All The Way: Howard’s Marriage Is Bound to Fail

Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is a father and husband constantly falling short of the expectations of his family. By the movie’s end, he succeeds in getting his son the toy he most desires, Turbo Man, and peace is restored. But wait, what about that who part where his wife is foaming at the mouth for some Phil Hartman dad dick, God rest his soul? That’s right, Liz can’t get enough of the handsome, successful next door neighbor and, while it never happens in the film, she’s on her way to getting her bells jingled by this dude. And let’s not forget the part where Howard breaks into the neighbor’s house to steal his son’s wrapped Turbo Man sitting under the Christmas tree. Sure, everything’s fine for the last few minutes of this movie, but Howard and his wife have a frail, shell of a marriage that will surely be short lived. But hey, at least he didn’t sleep with the maid.

A Garfield Christmas: This Will Probably Be The Cat’s Last Christmas

Like most of us, Garfield hates Mondays. You know what other days he hates? Tuesday through Sunday because he knows he hasn’t got long for this Earth. It’s really Jon Arbuckle’s fault for letting his cat eat lasagna every day for ten years. Cats aren’t meant to eat lasagna, bro. They’re supposed to eat cat food and mass quantities of their own hair. Thanks to you, Grandma Arbuckle is going to sit by herself and cry next Christmas. Thanks a lot. Next year is going to be filled with more regret than Billy Murray after agreeing to star in the Garfield live action movie.

It’s A Wonderful Life: Secretly Endorses Big Business

What are you talking about? It’s A Wonderful Life is all about the little man, banning together with his fellow townspeople against the cruel hand of a wealthy slumlord, right? While this might be true, this movie was “packed to the tits,” as they say, with shamless product placement. Brands like Bayer Aspirin, Vaseline, and Coca Cola, as well as cigarette labels like Sweet Caporal all found their way into this wholesome, Norman Rockwell wet dream.

How The Grinch Stole Christmas (2000): Cindy Lou Who Would Grow Up To Be A Smokeshow

Her name’s Taylor Momsen. Who saw that coming? I sure didn’t.

The Polar Express: The Expressionless CGI Characters Will Give You Nightmares

This one’s a little after my childhood, but I’m sure some of you youngins grew up watching this. All I know about this movie is that the CGI characters’ faces didn’t move at all and I’m afraid to watch this movie. I’ve tried to a couple times and I feel like Tom Hanks is starring into my soul with his dead eyes.

Gremlins: Kate’s Family Story Is Horrifying

In Gremlins, the innocent heartthrob Kate (Phoebe Cates, AKA Tits McGee from Fast Times At Ridgemont High) delivers this little gem:

"It was Christmas Eve. I was 9 years old. Me and mom were decorating the tree, waiting for dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn't home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire. That's when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top. And me and mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He'd been climbing down the chimney...his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly. And that's how I found out there was no Santa Claus."

After that, Billy had a hard time trying to figure out how to segue into a handjob.

Elf: Buddy Has Diabetes

Buddy is a 40-year-old human raised as an elf in the North Pole. Buddy’s diet consists of, “candy, candy corn, candy canes and syrup.” Buddy definitely has diabetes.

A Muppet Christmas Carol: Jim Henson Died Right Before This Movie Was Filmed

Hey, I really don’t mean to be morbid. All I’m saying is that Kermit had a complete stranger's hand jammed up his ass throughout the entire movie. Do with that information what you will.

Christmas Vacation: Clark and Ellen Have Different Kids

In each installment of the Vacation franchise, parents Clark and Ellen (Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo) have a different set of young actors play their kids. In Christmas Vacation, Rusty and Audrey are younger than they were in previous films, while Clark and Ellen are older. Is it a running gag? Maybe. My explanation? Clark and Ellen kidnap children and rename them “Rusty” and “Audrey” to create the false illusion of the perfect family they’ll never have. Then, when the children behave in a manner unbecoming of well-behaved children, the parents murder them and replace them with new, kidnapped kids.

The Nightmare Before Christmas: Jack Skellington Delivers A Shrunken Head To A Little Kid

To save Christmas, Jack Skellington fills in for Santa Claus and gives the type of gifts he would want, like giant snakes and shrunken heads. A kid legit opens a box and shows his parents his shrunken head swag. For those of you who don’t fully understand what a shrunken head is, it’s a fucking human head with the eyes and mouth sewn shut and then boiled in water. I mean, he asked for a baseball glove but this is close enough, right?

Die Hard

There’s nothing wrong with Die Hard. Die Hard is the best Christmas movie of all time. Yippee kay-yay motherfucker and have a happy New Year!