How To Navigate Social Media As A Dignified Adult

Nov 11, 2014

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I once made the terrible mistake of looking at the Twitter feed of a younger member of my extended family. In the span of five minutes, I discovered she was a sexually active, chain smoking, borderline alcoholic before she was even out of high school. She was like a teenage Keith Richards, if Keith Richards shopped at Bath & Body Works and had no discernible musical talent. My image of her was shattered. From then on, I vowed to never look at the social media accounts of anyone I know under the age of 21.

But, even in my adults-only social media isolation chamber, I'm still exposed to an unsettling amount of embarrassing and regrettable faux pas on the regular, some of them my own. Even the most mature among us are guilty of the kind of thing that makes our friends S their literal H's and bring their thumbs ever closer to that dreaded unfollow button. Here, some guidelines for navigating social media as an adult with dignity.

Steve Dool is a writer based in New York City. Follow him on Twitter.

1. adulttwitter

2. personal brand

Building Your Personal Brand Is Probably A Waste Of Time

Sorry, Millennials and the old people currently on LinkedIn searching for Millennials. The gap between people using some form of social media and those who are able to turn their social media presence into a career or at least a source of revenue is vast and it is not stacked in your favor. So chill on all that personal brand building and give us what we want: photos of your goddamn dog.

3. celebrity

No Celebrity Interactions

I once discovered that a girl I know on a professional level left a comment on Rihanna's Instagram, in which she said Rihanna's outfit was "unflattering," as if Rihanna was going to hop off of her jet ski, put down her blunt and ask her personal assistant, "Melissa, what do you think of this top? Some random girl from Astoria just hit me up on IG and now I'm rethinking the whole thing.” No celebrity is checking for you, I promise, unless they're angling for a Buzzfeed post about their unfettered kindness. Save yourself the potential embarrassment and keep the comments to people you actually know.

4. gym selfie

No Gym Selfies

It doesn’t matter if you look like Christian Bale in American Psycho, through the lens of a gym selfie you at least metaphorically look like Christian Bale in American Hustle.

5. unfollow

Unfollow Apps Are For Sociopaths

The fastest way to destroy friendships and drive yourself crazy in the process is to use any app that alerts you when followers jump ship. I would know. Not too long ago, I downloaded an app like this for Instagram and spent the next hour oscillating between vindictively unfollowing people who I learned didn't follow me back and wondering, sometimes aloud, what I did to make close personal friends abandon my feed. This is no way for a grown ass man to live.

6. followers

In fact, Don't Even Think About The Number Of Your Followers

You can check your follower count every day, refresh your photos incessantly to see who likes them and exist on red alert for retweets, but here's the honest truth: If you were to drop everything right now and create an Instagram account consisting solely of stock photos of indignant kittens captioned with #byefelicia, you would have more followers in a week than you could ever dream of having with your beautifully composed dinner photos and picturesque vacation shots.

7. likes

Mind Your Likes

If going on your late night creep spree of chasing down half-naked selfies of amateur lingerie models is something you need to do, then more power to you. But given the number of platforms with features that enable your followers to see what you like and favorite, it might be best to abide by the "look, but don’t touch" rule on social media, just like you promised to do at Scores back when you were still allowed in there.

8. privacy

Ask Yourself What You're Hiding With Your Privacy Settings

What, as an adult, do you feel so compelled to share on social media that you need to be concerned about who can see it? This is an open-ended question for you to ponder as your craft your next Facebook update on immigration reform.

9. coworkers

There Is No Rule That Says You Must Follow Coworkers

In fact, I'd be willing to throw my support behind a rule that says you can't follow your coworkers. Do you really want to peek behind the curtain of your cube mate's cat-hair-covered private life that consists primarily of live tweeting The Bachelor and celebrating #Winesday (alone)? Inter-office ignorance is bliss, my friends.

10. thinker

Remember Why You're Even Here In The First Place

"What is the point of it all?!” you shout in the rain while shaking your fists toward The Cloud. Who knows? Are you on Facebook so you can stay in touch with friends in other countries? Did you join Twitter to keep on top of breaking news about comic book movies? Are you a FourSquare user because you died in 2011 and no one can figure out your password? The point is, you're an adult. You don't have time for any of this if it's not serving an express purpose. And if you do have time? Well, there's always Pinterest, I guess.

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